Virtually everyday I get assaulted with requests, and, depending on how tired he happens to be, sometimes even demands. What kind of a mother doesn't buy very much needed shoes for her own son? Everyday my response is the same; "I will absolutely buy you tying shoes...when your feet grow and you can prove to me you can actually tie these fancy new shoes." I have given him a standing offer for lessons and 9 times out of 10 I'm turned down. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. Not later. Later is simply unacceptable. (No, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.)
Sometimes he accepts my answer but sometimes he digs his heels in and puts up a fight. Feet start stomping, tears start streaming, books and/or toys start flying. (He did NOT learn that from me. Okay, fine, maybe he learned that from me.) Little fists of fury pound on the walls of his own room during time-out.
Then there are the words, words that are designed to cut deep, to hurt as much as he's hurting. "If you don't buy me new shoes I'll never share my toys with you again"; "If you don't buy me new shoes I'll never love you ever, ever again"; "If you don't buy me new shoes I'll take God away from you." Bless his little heart.
I hold him. I tell him I'll love him no matter what. Sometimes that's enough, but sometimes he's not finished being angry with me and that's fine, too.
Friends, today I was that little child who wanted something so badly that I yelled at my Father - my Heavenly Father - when I didn't get what I wanted. And, boy, did I let Him have it.
There I was in the pediatric operating recovery room holding my precious eight-month old Baby B who was disoriented and hurting from abdominal surgery. The thing about your kids is that when they are in pain - truly in pain - so are you. Their pain is your pain.
Alarms were going off left and right, her oxygen levels were dropping and fast. Her little body squirmed this way and that in my arms and she had the most pitiful moan. Her eyes were squeezed shut so she couldn't see that I was there. She is profoundly deaf so my voice did nothing to calm her down. She had an oxygen mask over her tiny little baby face so she couldn't smell that it was me holding her and she couldn't tolerate being touched. I was so...helpless.
Amidst all of this one of her many doctors (she had numerous procedures done today) dropped by on his way to the airport; he had read her MRI and the nerve that is required for cochlear implants, which would allow her to finally hear, was not present in the left ear. Meaning she will never hear out of her left ear. Her right ear looked more promising, but there was something else...something more significant. The MRI showed some neurological problems that had been previously undetected, but for answers to our questions we would need to see a neurologist. And then he left on vacation and I was left sitting there holding my wailing baby.
Well, I stomped my feet right up to God's throne and I demanded answers. This. Was. Not. Acceptable. She was supposed to get cochlear implants next month and finally hear - out of both ears, thank you very much! She was supposed to be an oral communicator and mainstreamed with her peers by first grade. That was the plan so WTF!?!?
I was angry. I sobbed. I pounded my fists against the walls of my own heart. This must be my fault, my fault for sinning; if I hadn't sinned then she wouldn't have been born like this. If I hadn't selfishly wanted to her to survive everything she had survived then she wouldn't have to face such a harrowing future.
Then there were the words, words that were designed to cut deep, to hurt as much as I was hurting. What kind of a Father punishes sweet innocent little babies for sins they didn't commit? Why do I even bother loving and serving Him? We are SO fighting!
I sat there pushing Him away as I tried to hold on tighter to my daughter who was pushing against the pain she was feeling as well. I can only imagine what the scene looked like from the heavenly perspective; there I was holding a baby who was inconsolable and completely unaware that everything was okay, she was in her mother's loving arms. And yet there we both were, in His arms, and I was inconsolable and completely unaware that everything is going to be okay.
In the middle of all of this a friend and fellow NICU survivor mom texted me to let me know if I was mad at God I should let Him know. She said, "The Lord knows your heart, yell at Him if you need to. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 (Thank you Liz, I really, really needed to hear that!)
So here I am, submitting to Him.
I love you Father, no matter what. I do not like this, I do not like this one bit, but I am going to lean on Your understanding not my own. I am angry with You. There, I said it, I'm angry with You. But above that I love You and I trust You. I trust that in all things You work for the good of those who love You and are called to serve according to Your purpose. I am Your servant and even now I want to give You the glory for the goodness that is here now- the goodness in life, in medical interventions, and in friendship. I also want to give You the glory for the goodness that is yet to come.
Please hold us and remind us that you will absolutely give her everything she needs in Your perfect timing according to Your perfect plan. Father, I don't know what else to ask for, but since Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts and Your plans are higher than my plans please bend my will for my daughter toward Your plan for her. May the works of God be displayed in us. Thank you, in Jesus' name, Amen.
John 9:2-3
His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."
Inspirational Quote
"Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be." ~ Sonia Ricotti
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| My little fighter....dukes up and ready to go! |
