An Abrupt Interruption

I had big plans for Christmas.  Well, as big of plans one can have on full bed rest in the hospital...the morning would start off with watching my kids open their Christmas presents via FaceTime, it was shower day (when this only happens once every 4 days it is cause enough for celebration), and best of all, I was going to get to see my family!

It was 1:00 AM on Christmas morning and I had just finished my nightly mid-night protein infusion when I looked out the window of my hospital room thinking that the only thing that could make this day better would be if it were a white Christmas.

Two minutes later I got a white Christmas, it just was not the kind I was hoping for...a nurse ran into my room.  "Roll over!" she said, "Turn to your side." I rolled.  She moved the monitors this way and that, but I had no idea what was happening.  "It's not working.  Code White!"

Now I had no idea what a Code White was, but I had watched enough Grey's Anatomy to know that  if the the medical staff is speaking in codes, it wasn't a good sign.  Throughout the day and night I heard the code announcements over the loud speakers and every time I heard one I knew someone was in trouble so I stopped whatever I was doing to say a little prayer for them, whomever they were and whatever was happening.  It never occurred to me that I might actually be in a situation similar to the ones Dr. McDreamy might respond to on TV.

Within seconds there was a second nurse with an oxygen machine and seconds after that three doctors moving me this way and that trying to track the babies' heartbeats.  Baby A had a major deceleration; her heartbeat is usually 155-165 per minute and it had dropped to 70 for several minutes.

Finally, they got her heartbeat to stabilize and one by on the doctors and nurses left my room turning off the light on their way out.  You know, so I could sleep.  Riiiight.  I lay there as still as I possible could be and just listened to the babies' heartbeats on the monitor trying to listen for another decel.

As I was laying there I felt a tremendous gush of fluid.  I hit the nurse's call button on my bed and the nurse helped me get out of bed, both of us expecting it to be a loss of amniotic fluid...but when I stood up my bed was covered in blood...and so was I.  Again, it looked like a scene out of a TV show.

So less than an hour from my first Code White (which, btw is a maternal/fetal emergency) I got a second (one for each baby I suppose).   I swear I turned around and my room was full of even more doctors and a stretcher.  Merry Christmas!

I was rushed into Labor and Delivery and was soon being poked and prodded in every direction from a full medical team.  It was determined we had a placental abruption which is a very serious condition where the placenta separated from the uterine wall.  In our case only partially, but could still deprive the babies of oxygen and nutrients and cause severe bleeding.

Surprisingly the babies' heart rates remained steady.  Since the babies didn't seem to be affected and I wasn't in active labor the high risk doctor on call decided to keep me pregnant.  I was the one bleeding not the babies and at 25 weeks gestation it was better for them if I stayed pregnant and received blood transfusions as necessary.  Just to be safe I wasn't allowed food or fluids, just an IV. I wasn't about to argue, I was not ready to give up being pregnant!

I was however, ready to argue with the nurses when they wanted me to walk to the bathroom unassisted.  With the loss of blood, fluids, and all of the muscle (from being on bed rest for 10 weeks) I was panting and needed to sit down before I walked to the end of my bed.  I asked for a wheelchair and they agreed but only used it for me to take breaks - I had to get back up and walk the whole way.  I protested, I whined, I argued.  If all this had happened while I was being still what was going to happen if I pushed myself too far?

I'll tell you what happened - I passed out into my nurse.  That was a miserable experience and I spent the rest of the day dry heaving into a bucket with a wet towel on my face with my temperature climbing.  Again, Merry Christmas!

"You're weak." the nurse told me.  That stung.  I knew she meant I was physically weak, but it felt like a personal attack on my endurance.  I wanted nothing more than to stay pregnant!  Then the shift supervisor came in, "You're weak." She said, and for twenty minutes went on to tell me I was young, I should have no problem getting to the bathroom or showering on my own.  "You need to at least try." She said...as I was dry heaving.  I wanted to yell and shout and scream, what do you mean try??? All I had been doing since October was try everything I could to stay pregnant! I would do anything I could, but I didn't see how pushing myself to fainting was going to help keep the babies inside of me.  Fortunately my husband intervened on my behalf and insisted that I be able to eat or drink something before I was expected to get out of bed again...but even he wanted me to try; if I didn't show an effort they may not give me the option of staying pregnant for my own safety.

The next morning I was grateful to still be pregnant and I said a prayer thanking God and asking Him to help me release some of the negativity I was still harboring against those bullies.   I was so angry and hateful toward them, I just seethed with bitterness towards everyone who walked through my door and it was poisoning me.  So...I tried getting out of bed and I gave it my all and I did great! I only stopped to rest once roundtrip! But I had a new nurse and she didn't recognize the effort I had made.  "You're weak." She said.  I was crushed. And then I snapped.

"I. AM. NOT. WEAK!!! I am doing the best that I can.  Look at my file, I have been fighting for these babies for months and I assure you, I am not weak!" I yelled and I lost my temper on this poor soul.  Probably not the reaction God had in mind...or maybe He did because afterwards I felt terrible and recognized I had to make some changes; it was my own choices leaving this horribly bitter flavor in my mouth.  I had to change the path I was on.  Yes, this was probably the most intense emotional and physical challenge I had ever experienced, but it was not okay for me to take out my feelings on other people, especially other people who are trying to help me.

So I swallowed that bitterness and I apologized.  She accepted my apology and was a little more helpful and empathetic for the rest of her shift.  As the nurses changed guard and my physical strength was mentioned my emotional strength was also tested; I tried my very best to be kind and gracious and not take offense (or yell, or scream, or shout).  Oh I wanted to, very much actually, but I knew it would leave me feeling empty not vindicated.  I had to intentionally manually (and repeatedly) override these emotions.  I would not and will not let this experience taint me.

Sometimes life is just too much and everything is outside of our control...everything except our attitudes and responses; those we very much control and make the difference between making or breaking us.  It's not easy, but its also never too late to redirect and get on the right path.

John 15:1-2

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser, Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes that it may bear more fruit.

John 15:5

I am the vine and you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

Inspirational Quote:

"Be soft.  Do not let the world make you hard.  Do not let pain make you hate.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place." ~ Kurt Vonnegut

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,Please forgive me for harboring such bitterness in my heart toward your other children. Please help me release this negativity and choose love over hate so that I may bear fruit that is sweet to Your lips.  Please help me preserve sweetness over bitterness in my heart and embrace this pruning process so that I may bear more fruit for You.  Thank you for Your tender love and grace. Amen.

Lost and Found: The Perfect Christmas

The Christmas season certainly brings about a certain excitement; there are all of the festive decorations, cheerful greeting cards, fancy cookies of every kind, Santa, reindeer, and white fluffy snow.  Then of course there is the shopping for the perfect presents, cutting down the perfect tree and posing for the perfect family photo to capture all of the perfect family memories.  Sometimes the the joy gets tainted by the tremendous pressure to make everything perfect.

But do you think giving birth to Baby Jesus in a manger surrounded by animals in a city away from home was Mary's idea of a "perfect" birth?  Doubtful.  But it was God's plan and it truly was perfection; it was the perfect harmony of joy, sacrifice and unconditional love.

That is still the recipe for the perfect Christmas; families should share in the joy of the Christmas miracle together, they should make some sacrifices by giving to those in need, and they should demonstrate unconditional love to one another.

Yet we're greedy (or at least I am) and want that whipped cream and cherry on top of our eggnog; we want just the right tree from just the right farm;  we want that adorable family photo to post on Facebook; we want the 16 different types of cookies (which later we will hate ourselves for eating)..so we cling to tradition.  We allow tradition to replace the key ingredients of joy, sacrifice and unconditional love and then we're surprised when its missing a certain flavor.

When the fact that I would be in the hospital for Christmas sunk in I was crushed.  I focused on what I would be missing, what my husband would be missing, and what my kids would be missing. I cried over the tree I wouldn't get to help pick out, I cried over the cookies I wouldn't get to bake, I cried over my kids opening their presents without me.  It was a full blown pity party.  I even asked the doctor if he would grant a 24-hour furlough, as if I were a prisoner requesting to make up my time after Christmas Day (he said no). I was cheapening the gift of Christmas by focusing on the celebration of tradition (or lack thereof) rather than the celebration of the greatest gift ever received by mankind - the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior!

Admittedly, it took me a while to digest what an honor it really is to be in this situation.  It gives me a certain affinity with Mary to be with child (in my case, two) and to have my future so squarely in God's very capable hands.  I don't know what my future will bring, but neither did Mary. Instead of focusing on all of the things that weren't "right" she basked in the joy of motherhood, she willingly made the sacrifice of carrying this precious child and she did it all with unconditional love, trust and faith. Mary paved the way and set the bar high; so high above my head I didn't see it at first.

My family can still have a great Christmas, we just have to refocus on the gifts we are receiving instead of what we're not getting, because the gifts we're getting this year are far more precious than anything we could find at a mall or under the tree.  This year our family has been blessed with the joyful spontaneous miracle of two babies; we have been blessed with the heavenly protection of their fragile little lives; we have been blessed with the test and triumph of faith over and over again;  we have been blessed with the opportunity to show and be shown unconditional love to each other and to our Heavenly Father....which can only be summed up as the perfect Christmas!

Plus, I have an amazing husband and a very supportive family who have given my kids a taste of our family traditions, too. Plus I will still get to witness the joy on my precious little children's faces as they open their gifts from Santa...just on FaceTime.  Maybe, just maybe, if everyone is germ-free, we can be together for the day in my hospital "hotel".  Yes, regardless of the disruption to our traditions, it will certainly be a very merry Christmas for the Sommer Family this year!

Joy, sacrifice and unconditional love....all under our tree.  

If your holiday season is missing the flavor of Christmas this year consider stepping back from all of the white noise and re-evaluate the roots of your traditions; are they focused on the true gift of Christmas or superficial perfectionism? If you've gotten caught up in the hustle and bustle ask God for a new birth for you and your family through the birth of His Son so you can experience His best gift ever.


James 1:17 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

Inspirational Quote:

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree". ~ Roy L. Smith

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank You for the perfect Christmas gift. Thank You for being patient with me and helping me see beyond traditions.  I lack nothing and I have been blessed with the most precious gifts.  As we celebrate the joyous birth of Your Son, and I wait patiently for the birth of my daughters, I ask for a new birth within my heart so that I may rise about my selfish inclinations and fully embrace the joy, sacrifice and unconditional love You have given to our world. Please also keep my darling little lovelies healthy so I can hug and kiss them on this very special day. Thank You! Amen. 

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Hair

Just like Rapunzel I live in the top of a tower with one window and no stairs.  Well, I've heard rumors that there are stairs and elevators, but I'm pretty sure those are just rumors.  Just like Rapunzel I spend my days and nights trapped in this room.  My prince is out there somewhere (working and taking care of our children), but he can't come climb my tower and not just because my hair isn't long enough, which it certainly is not....

Since my water broke I am increasingly at risk for infection.  I've had elevated white blood cells and high pulse and unfortunately the blood test results don't come with a road map to the infected area.  When there are three lives at stake we can't just guess and we have to be careful not to allow any exposure to new germs.  So I just sit here in my tower and weave (baby blankets not an escape ladder).  Unlike Rapunzel I'm trying to stay for as long as possible!

Modern day weaving. It takes skill. :)

Even though I can't have visitors I'm not alone.  Far from it actually.  I used to think when I prayed it was like sending an email to a heavenly inbox somewhere; an inbox that filled up quickly with all of the prayers being said every minute of every day.  I would hit "send" with my "amen" and just wait for God to have time to get around to opening His mail.  But I've found with an increased frequency of prayer, the distance of that heavenly inbox is much, much shorter than I had thought.  God is with me all of the time!  I know He tells us that in scripture but I had to experience it (okay maybe even more than once) to believe it was true.

You see I actually have had an uninvited visitor and the germs he brought were far more contagious and infectious than the conjunctivitis my kids are currently carrying; the enemy sneaks in bringing doubt, worry and hopelessness with every slightly unsatisfactory test result and gush of leaking amniotic fluid.  This unwelcome visitor whispered things in my ear like "What are you doing? Your sick husband and kids at home need you right now and you're not there to take care of them.  Plus, it doesn't look like you're doing a very good job of taking care of these two either; you can't even stop leaking fluid.  How are their lungs ever going to develop? Fail."

The saying that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is such a lie; toxic words can hurt you and very deeply....but only if you listen to them.  One morning in particular, after considerable leaking and cramping I let myself listen and it nearly broke me.  I prayed to God asking for help, sending off that email with my "amen" and then I turned on my phone and there was a message waiting for me; it said:

"Haven't I commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

I blinked.  He got my email!  Then I thought, "Of course He did, silly! He just told you He is with you wherever you go." There is no far away heavenly inbox; He is with you and He hears your prayers as they leave your lips.  He knows what you need and He gives you what you need in His perfect time.  I was trapped in fear in that tower so He threw a rope for me to pull myself out.  He commanded me to be strong and courageous!

I am NOT the daughter of an evil enchantress living in an isolated tower like Rapunzel; I AM a child of God living in a protected fortress where fear, doubt and hopelessness can not penetrate the walls! So, no, even though I'm not surrounded by family and friends, I'm not alone. I am loved and protected and right where I need to be for the moment.

The morning after I drafted this post my strength and courage were tested again.  I woke up to a flash flood of leaking amniotic fluid, likely the largest amount lost thus far.  I said to myself, "I live in a fortress where fear and worry cannot reach me." And it didn't.  The nurse and I just cleaned up the mess and I went back to sleep, peacefully protected.  Shortly thereafter a doctor woke me up informing me that a recent test indicated signs of possible gestational diabetes.  Did I worry? As Pete the Cat says, "Goodness No!" I stayed calm as a cucumber; the walls of this fortress really are powerful and strong if you seek protection with an honest and loving heart.

The truth is I have nothing to worry about, but everything to be grateful for; this entire experience has changed me.  I used to think I was caught in a storm, I'm not, this is just a growth spurt (seriously, you should see my growing belly!), a spiritual growth spurt.  I'm not the same person I was when I entered this pregnancy, but I am becoming the person God intended me to be.  I'm still a work in progress, but I trust my Creator to guide me gently through these growing pains.

If you ever hear those whispers of negativity and despair in your ear don't listen! God speaks to us through our hearts (and iPhones).  Yes, sometimes He whispers, but that is only because He wants you to get closer to Him so you can hear Him more clearly.

Psalm 91:1-2

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" 

Inspirational Quote:

"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." ~Bernadette Devlin

My Prayer:

Lord, I offer You the first affections of my heart. Thank you for demonstrating Your love for me, today and everyday, by protecting me from the darkness that threatens to steal the joy Your Grace has given to our family.   I am honored that you chose us for this miracle of twins and I am honored you chose us for this walk in faith with You.  I pray that You give us all - my husband, my children, and all of those who love and care for us - the strength to endure this and come out of this victorious (again, a February birthdate would be awesome, but totally your call).  

You have changed me Father, but perhaps that has been the plan all along.  I am not alone in this and I am not weak.  Thank You for speaking so directly to me when I strayed and thank You for welcoming me back and offering Your protection when I turned away from the temptation of fear and self pity. 

Even still, the lives of these babies and the future of this family of six rest solely in Your hands, but I trust You. When I was born early and near death You chose to save me, for which I am incredibly grateful, but Father, admittedly I have not yet reached my full potential; please guide my heart so I can serve You and my family more fully....and please save my babies as you saved me.  

Please save these little girls so that we may have the privilege of raising four children to know You, love You and serve You as shining lights in the darkness. Please honor us with the opportunity to turn Your gift of life for our family into our gift of light in Your family of fellow St. Louisans who are hurting and need Your love and Your light. Thank you, Amen (aka "send").

PPROM Night

Prom night. Possibly one of the most anticipated nights in a young girl's life. There's the beautiful gown, the perfectly styled hair. The jitters.  The joy and excitement that it's finally happening! It is a night like no other.

Want to know what else is a night like no other? PPROM night. PPROM as in Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes.  There was a gown involved - a very wet nightgown.  The hair was...well teased from a night of tossing and turning. There certainly were jitters, although it felt more like seizing. And of course there was the terror and excitement that this could not possibly be happening! Not at 22 weeks! Yes, it was a night like no other.

The evening started off exactly how you would want the night before an emergency (my computer doesn't have a sarcastic font so you'll have to bear with me); I had no clean clothes so I asked my husband to do some laundry.  He dutifully rounded up all of the laundry and towels and had both washers going shortly thereafter.  Let me just say he normally does a fantastic job with laundry, but he's still a novice and wasn't well practiced in checking pockets...so in went his iPhone.  Poor guy.

While he dealt with Apple I went to bed. With two growing babes in my belly I was VERY uncomfortable.  It felt like my hips and round ligaments were at war with one another and I tossed and I turned most of the night.  You may be thinking "Hello, if you were in that much pain why didn't you call the nurse line?" Well, I did the week before for the same thing and everything at the hospital checked out.  (Sometimes pregnancy just flat out hurts.) A full bladder can only aggravate this kind of discomfort so at 4:35 AM I used the restroom.  I laid back down rolled onto my side and...splash...at 4:40 the party got started.

I don't even know what words to use to describe how I felt; I was shocked, I was terrified, I was panicked, I was...soaked, I was scared out of my mind, I was shaking, I was in disbelief, I was...soaked.  Did I mention all of our clothes and towels were in the washer?

Our doctor called back within minutes and told us to get to the hospital as soon as possible...but it was 4:40 AM and we had two sleeping children.  He told us to wake them and bring them.  I knew this was bad.  I also knew I was borderline out of control of my emotions and I didn't want our kids to see me like this.  So I called my family...who were doing what most people were doing at 4:40 AM and didn't hear the phone ring.  Fortunately we have great neighbors with really loud ringtones!

The drive to the hospital was excruciatingly long (it's actually a short drive).  My whole body was shaking and quivering uncontrollably.  I felt like I was underwater drowning - I mean I WAS wet - and my body was thrashing about trying to get to the surface.  I tried deep breathing but I just choked myself.  I tried telling myself it was okay, but I knew that was a lie.  I tried praying, but I could barely piece the words together.  I was sinking and fast.  Then I said to myself, "I trust Him." It helped a tiny bit, but hey, it helped! So I repeated it over and over and over again. It became my silent mental chant and a peaceful calm settled over me and I could breathe again. "I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him." I had no idea what was going to happen next, but He did so I had to trust Him; the lives of our two unborn babies were resting squarely in His hands.

At the hospital they confirmed that my water had broken.  I wasn't experiencing any contractions, but if I did I would deliver the babies and they would offer compassionate care; at 22 weeks they were too early for steroids to help their lungs develop and possibly too small for their lifesaving equipment; any attempts to intervene medically would cause them unnecessary pain.  I was heartbroken.  I did not want my babies to suffer!  I prayed over and over again while we waited hooked up to the machines.   Then I realized I was also a child of God and He didn't want me to suffer unnecessarily and He certainly wouldn't waste my pain so why was I? Aside from my water breaking nothing else had actually happened. I wasn't in labor.  The babies still had heartbeats.  There was still hope in God!

Yes, we had entered the most difficult chapter of this pregnancy so far, but God had gotten us through so much already! I trusted Him.  He had turned every mess we had experienced along the way into a message.  Just being given the miracle of having twins not only gave us two more precious little blessings, but it opened up possibilities for our future which we never thought possible.  That trip to Denver? Not only did He keep both babies alive, but He gave my husband and I time alone together to heal our marriage; time and circumstances we wouldn't have gotten at home with two kids.  The TAPS and fluid scare? He gave us an opportunity to trust and to give to others no matter what the circumstances. The bed rest? He gave me an opportunity to call on my parents and have time alone with them, to get to know and appreciate them again (when else would I have time to watch football games with my dad? Side note, there are no "innings" in football; who knew?). The mono-mono transition? He gave me what I have been visualizing; little girls who are BFFs and love to snuggle up really close to one another.  Plus now we are all in the same boat; one sac, one future.  But guess what? Even if it feels like our boat is sinking and we're drowning, our lifeguard can walk on water...so what exactly is there to worry about?  I trust Him.

I can say with certainty that, from my perspective, my future has never been more uncertain than it is now.  But I can also say with confidence that it is okay.  He knows. I don't need the play by play.  I just need to pray and trust God to handle the how and when.  I'm confident that good things are ahead because why else would the enemy (he who shall not be named) be working so hard to steal it from us? I'm confident, no matter what comes next, we will have the strength to endure it because God is bigger than anything and He strengthens me. I'm confident, no matter what comes next, there will be good.  I'm confident He hears my prayers. I'm confident He loves us.  I'm confident His plan is best for us.

If you find yourself in an impossibly bleak situation it is only because you haven't opened your eyes to the goodness in your situation. Look for the message in your mess. Be thankful for it! If you can't see it, ask God to show you; He will. Accept His plan for you and He will guide you; there isn't anything you can't do or endure without His grace, love and strength. But don't just take my word for it; take His!

Mark 11:22

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "Truly, I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.  Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.  And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins."

Inspirational Quote:

"When you feel like you're drowning in life, don't worry - your lifeguard walks on water." ~ Anonymous

My Prayer:

Lord I need You.  I need You now more than ever.  Father, I love You and my love for You is unconditional; it won't go away.  I will be devastated if we lose these babies, but I know You won't waste our pain and I know somehow some good will come out of all of this.  I also know You can hear my prayers and I ask that You please, please, please save these babies.  I ask this with a pure heart, but if you find any doubt when You look into my heart please transform it into renewed strength and faith.  Please protect these girls and strengthen them.  Lord Jesus, please breathe Your goodness and strength into their hearts.  I surrender my will to You and my body to provide for these girls, as I would for any of my children.  Please keep them in my womb as long as possible - 34 weeks would be great, but that is a mere suggestion :) - all I ask is that they are born alive, healthy, strong and stable. The how and the when I leave up to You and Your perfect timing.  Please help them thrive not just survive; they have a very excited big brother and sister and a mom and a dad looking forward to welcoming them into our family. 

Please also be with my husband and the two beautiful children we have at home.  This transition is hard on them and I pray that You bring them peace, love and strength.  They are so so so loved by You and by me.  Send an army of angels to protect all of those lives that are dear to me while I wait patiently in the hospital. 

Thank You for Your love.  Thank You for Your grace.  Thank You for Your perfect plan.  I love You and I trust You. Amen.

Ain't Two Sacs No Momo

Timing is everything, isn't it?  (It is, just agree with me.)

Let's talk science for just a minute.  I'll keep it simple, I promise.  Identical twins occur when one egg is fertilized by one sperm and then spits into two (am I grossing you out yet?). Now the timing of when that split occurs determines the type of twins and the resources available to them.  If it happens within the first 4 days the twins each have their own sac and their own placenta; this is known as di-di.  If it happens within 4-8 days they each have their own sac, but share a placenta; this is known as mono-di. If it happens after 8 days the twins share a sac and a placenta; this is known as mono-mono or momo. The risk goes up as the separation level goes down, so yes, timing is very important.

Our girls were mono-di from day one.  Did you catch that? Our GIRLS!!! They each had their own sacs but one shared placenta.  During the surgery itsy bitsy teeny weenie little holes were poked in the membrane separating the two babies to allow the amniotic fluid to be shared more evenly since that was a problem with the Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS).  Now our girls like to be VERY cozy and 9 times out of 10 they are snuggled up next to one another.  Sometimes they fight, but they're sisters, that happens!

Our little love bugs plotting, plotting, plotting!

One night just shy of the 20 week mark they loved each other so much that they couldn't stand being apart any longer.  There were 4 arms with 20 tiny fingers and 4 legs with 20 tiny toes going in every direction.  It looked like I swallowed a case of pop rocks with arms and legs pushing out on my stomach in every direction like tiny little explosions.  Then it got quiet, really quiet. As a parent you learn to be more suspicious of stillness than of commotion.

Apparently those 20 tiny fingers and 20 tiny toes, or some of them anyway, discovered the itsy bitsy teeny weenie little holes and tore down the membrane separating them.  At our 20 week ultrasound they were all snuggled up holding hands.  So sweet!

What's not so sweet is that they are now mono-mono or momo twins.  Momo twins can get their cords can get entangled and choke off the oxygen to one another. As soon as they reach the point of viability (24 weeks) momo twins have to be monitored 24 hours a day so they can be delivered at the hint of trouble before time runs out for one or both babies.

So, yes, timing is everything.  But you know what? The only timing that matters is God's perfect timing.  So now we wait, patiently; we wait, trusting Him and His perfect timing for these two perfect little miracles.

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.

Inspirational Quote:

"God has perfect timing, never early and never late and it takes a little patience and a lot of faith."

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, I am at peace with this new development in our journey to meet our twin daughters.  I am at peace because I trust in You and Your perfect timing.  Thank you for these two little BFFs and thank you for this new opportunity to demonstrate patience and remain steadfast in my faith.  I pray You will protect the babies You have blessed us with and preserve their fragile little lives. I love You and I trust You. Amen.   

TAPS Dance

Finally, the waiting game was over! We had endured the five day recovery period and I was finally on the ultrasound table covered in goo...and there were TWO strong heartbeats! Our tiny little donor actually had amniotic fluid and, most importantly, a bladder!!! The follow up echo cardiogram showed Baby B's heart function had improved and with time and proper medication it would likely heal completely! Hallelujah! God is so good! I was so excited I could have done a little dance (if I was allowed)!

We were released to go back home following our appointments and we couldn't get home fast enough....just ask the Kansas State Highway Patrol. A little explanation and we were on our way again following all traffic laws this time.  (Have I mentioned God is good?) We got home in time to pick up our kids from school and nestled in for some good old fashioned snuggle time.

My snuggle buddies! Yes, even Master Builder Super Heroes nap with their mommies sometimes.

Life at home settled into a new "normal".  I spent my days on the couch and my nights in bed; 22 hours out of every 24 being spent horizontal on my side.  The kids did great not being too rough on my stomach, but we quickly learned I could not be left home alone with the kids anymore.  You might think this is a pretty obvious statement given that we have a 4.5 year old and a 1 year old, but I was still coming to terms with my limitations. Do you have any idea how much trouble a 1 year old can get into in 10 minutes even with all outlets covered, all stairs closed off and cabinets tightly secured?

Hard at work keeping life interesting!

We spent 2-3 days a week at the hospital doing all sorts of testing.  We were rather unique in that we were the only TTTS patients currently being cared for at the hospital so we attracted quite the audience. Students and doctors alike crowded into our exam rooms, sometimes with standing room only.  My heart sunk a little each time someone asked to join us.  I was torn because I felt like they jinxed us; virtually every ultrasound there was a new problem (granted their job is to LOOK for problems) and then at the next one would have that many more people present.  I felt like a science experiment just sitting there on the table with all of those people studying my uterus and the precious cargo inside.  Plus I don't really like to cry in front of people; my face gets all pink and distorted, but I'm getting better with practice (better at just going with it - my face still gets all pink and distorted...what's a girl to do?).

I came very close to my breaking point when Baby A developed fluid around the brain and Baby B was showing signs of TAPS, a rare and very serious condition within TTTS where one baby becomes anemic. The doctors here in St. Louis had never seen this so early in pregnancy and so early following the surgery.  The Denver docs were scratching their heads, too. There was nothing we could do for either baby since we had so much separation from my uterus as a result of the surgery.  All we could do was wait and pray.  They tried assuring us that we were not unique in that we were unique, apparently that is the calling card of the TTTS disease, but I just knew it was because we allowed all of those students and doctors to jinx us.  Their mere presence was CAUSING fluid to develop around Baby A's brain and it was CAUSING Baby B to become anemic.  (Yeah, I know its fuzzy logic.)  I danced around the idea of putting a KEEP OUT sign on our door, but something about that just didn't feel right.

So I prayed about it and I came to understand that they couldn't be causing any of this...and I had three choices; I could either continue as-is and enter each ultrasound with suspicion, doubt and worry; I could ban all superfluous hospital staff and miss out on any insights they might have on the babies; OR, I could acknowledge each appointment as an opportunity to trust that God was in control here, not some jinx, and consider our appointments as a contribution to the comprehensive education of the hospital staff and students so that all of the TTTS babies to follow us could benefit from our experience.

It was kinda a no-brainer.  Although I will say it still took a considerable effort on my part to trust when the doubt tried to creep into the exam room with the interns. But you know what? The more practice I got at trusting and giving, the better the babies' readings became! That's right, the fluid around Baby A's brain seemed to disappear and Baby B's blood flows evened out! (Have I mentioned that God is really, really good?!?)

Sometimes God allows bad things to happen to test us and it is our choice in how we respond.  Maybe you know the right answer right away, but He is always there to guide you if you need help; just ask Him! You'll know in your heart if you made the right choice.

2 Timothy 4:7-8  

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all those who have longed for his appearing.

(I know we are far from "finishing", but this has been a good reminder for me to keep fighting the "good fight".)

Inspirational Quote:

"Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more." ~ Anthony Robbins 

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I don't understand.  We've come so far and yet it still feels like everything is still so far outside of my control.  I know You are bigger than this so please help me.  I want to shut the door, I want to turn them away, but if I believe in You I cannot also believe in jinxes.  Please help me to  understand what you want me to learn from all of this. Please help me turn this doubt into faith and this resentment into love. Thank you.  I love You and I trust You.  Amen.

My New Set of Wheels

The five days we spent waiting in the hotel to learn if the laser surgery actually did save the lives of our babies was emotionally and physically challenging.  When life gives you lemons you have to make lemonade so my husband and I took full advantage of the time to snuggle up, rest, and reconnect.   It was so nice to just be with one another and comfort each other.  We also learned how to be bad-ass prisoners should we ever be faced with prison time thanks to Netflix (Dear God, just to be perfectly clear this is NOT a prayer request.  I would get cracked in half in prison in real-life. Thanks! Love, Me).

We missed our children dearly, but daily pictures from Grandma and their teachers helped bunches.  They really were so resilient and handled the separation so much better than I thought they would.  Grandma kept them VERY busy trick-or-treating all over town so come to think of it maybe they were just burying their feelings in sugary treats. :)

To help keep my spirits lifted we took a couple of excursions.  I couldn't walk so we had to limit our adventures to places where wheelchairs were available like the zoo, the botanical gardens and...wait for it....Target.

I really struggled with being confined to a wheelchair. I felt so judged, like people were looking at me and thinking to themselves, "Geez, what's her problem? She looks fine. Lazy much?" It felt like if they weren't judging me they were ignoring me, cutting us off or making us go around them instead of giving us space.  The nerve! And then there was the geriatric couple with the oxygen tank that literally snatched a wheelchair out of our hands.  Okay, so maybe they were before us on the wait list and they didn't claim it right away, but still!

...As you can see I let myself turn into a downright haughty little princess over this whole wheelchair thing.  I knew it didn't feel right to be so judgmental, but they started it, right? No, they didn't. To be perfectly honest, I think most of the judgements I felt were reflections of my own insecurities. One day I was completely independent and then overnight I lost virtually all freedom.  I was now on full-time modified bed rest (only short wheelchair excursions allowed) and the medication cocktail I was on to help Baby B's heart made it incredibly difficult to walk even short distances or bathe without losing consciousness (not to mention it could cause my hair and teeth to fall out. No joke.)  Even though there was no question in my mind about taking the medication the baby needed, and I knew plenty of well respected people who used wheelchairs, I just didn't quite know how to handle all of the sudden changes emotionally.

I should have asked God for help, but I didn't; it hadn't registered in my mind as MY problem, it was OTHER people's judgmental attitudes that was the problem. But you know what? He recognized my suffering and answered that unspoken prayer anyway.  He sent me someone - a complete stranger I will never see again in my life - to smile at me.  Yes, just to smile at me. I know that sounds silly and inconsequential, but I had formed a habit of casting my eyes downward whenever we approached anyone as a form of self-preservation.  I didn't feel comfortable in my new wheels, I didn't feel entirely clean, I just didn't feel worthy of smiling about anything. But this woman caught my eye and refused to let go.  She gave me the biggest most genuine smile that it was impossible not to smile back. It felt like she was thinking, "What a cute and happy couple!" Which we were! So I tried an experiment; I let myself actually look at people with kindness in my heart instead of predetermined resentment.  More times than not they either smiled back at me or were simply too busy living their lives to notice; they were not judging me so I shouldn't judge them.

It is so easy to let our troubles swallow us whole, especially when we mistakenly allow ourselves to think the world revolves around us (which I've been told more than once it does not).  In fact, I'm sharing this story (and this blog) not to highlight my strengths, but to show you I'm weak. And you know what? That's okay.  We all have weaknesses, but we also all have a choice in how we address our weaknesses.  Don't stick your head in the sand. Acknowledge them and pray about them; ask God for help! And if you forget, like I did, but someone offers help anyway, accept it graciously!

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

Inspirational Quote:

"Prayer is a confession of one's own unworthiness and weakness." ~Mahatma Gandhi 

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for Your grace.  Thank you for loving me despite my weaknesses.  Please help me recognize when I am headed down the wrong path and pull me back to You so I may spread Your light instead of negativity.  I know I have potential in You even if my mobility is confined so please send me to help others as You sent that lady to help me. Thank you. Amen.

Snake Tongue, Indiana, Mount What???

Our surgery for Twin-To-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) was scheduled for 7:30 AM Saturday, October 18th.  All of the surgeons and nurses came in on a Saturday just for our babies, which was so humbling.  After I was prepped for surgery they let me walk into the operating room because it was going to a long time before I walked anywhere again.  They also let me pick out the music we would be listening to in the operating room.  I chose Lady Gaga...just kidding! I was supposed to be at the spa with my BFF that day (ah, the best laid plans...) so we went with spa music.  The nurses were so bummed out for me about the missed spa day that they gave me a massage - seriously! Then they poked me with needles, but still, they treated me like royalty!

I had an epidural similar to my two previous c-sections, but I promised to keep my hands to myself so I didn't have to be strapped down.  I asked for two doses of "happy" medicine (you know, one for each baby) and closed my eyes to rest.  It wasn't full anesthesia so I could come in and out of consciousness almost at will, kinda like when you hear your alarm clock ringing and you choose to ignore it and go back to sleep.

At some point I heard, "Snake Tongue, Indiana, Mountain." We're climbing a mountain of snakes in Indiana? What?? Weird dream, I thought.  Then it was repeated and I felt the slightest sensation of vibration inside of me, three rounds of it.  It didn't hurt, it didn't tickle, it just vibrated and pulsated.  I opened my eyes and there was a blue sheet over my face and I mean literally over my face.  I could feel myself starting to panic because at this point I realized it wasn't a dream, I was witnessing my own surgery first hand! (Again, it wasn't full anesthesia so nothing to be alarmed about.) But I didn't trust myself not to go into a full blown panic attack nor did I want to distract them (keeping this part of the surgery under 5 minutes is crucial for the survival of both babies) so I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to go back to sleep on demand.  It worked and I woke up after the surgery was over (no blue sheet this time).  The nurses were shocked I had woken up during the surgery, apparently they were not aware of anyone else being cognizant during the actual procedure.  The words "snake tongue", "Indiana" and "mountain" were labels they had given the blood vessels they were targeting because the shapes of the vessels resembled a snake's tongue, the State of Indiana and a mountain. There were actually 10 in all but I was only awake for the first three.

Once I was transferred to my recovery bed I pretty much slept the rest of the day.  The doctors came in and talked to my husband; everything appeared to have gone well, but we were still in a critical window so only time would tell.  When I finally woke up much later in the day I couldn't believe how much smaller my stomach was! Even with evening the fluid out between both babies there was still excess amniotic fluid so they removed a liter of it from Baby B's sac.  A whole liter! I had contractions for a while following the surgery since my uterus had to shrink around the now much smaller sacs.   My belly was sore and bruised but the incision was so much smaller than I had expected.

It's much easier to be patient when you sleep the day away...

God kept both babies safe in the palm of His hand! Twenty-four hours following the procedure both babies still had heartbeats! ....But because the surgery was performed so early in the pregnancy they discovered that the membrane surrounding the babies separated substantially from my uterus; a complication that put us at even higher risk for pre-term labor.

The first 24 hours was the most critical, but afterwards I was still stable so we were discharged to a nearby hotel for rest and recovery and, yes, that meant 5 days of waiting to determine if the procedure was effective.  They say you should never pray for patience because if you do God will put you in a situation where your patience will be tried.  Next time I pray for patience perhaps I should be a little more explicit in my expectations!

In all seriousness, although it was difficult, I also felt a tremendous amount of peace from constant prayer and from all of the prayers from our friends and family - so thank you, thank you, thank you! And thank you God for your peace and protection!

If you find yourself in a similar situation just remember, all of the worrying in the world won't make time go by any faster and it certainly won't make your problems go away.  It is your choice how much you allow yourself to suffer; God is there to help, all you have to do is ask.

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Inspirational Quote:

"No matter how steep the mountain, the Lord is going to climb it with you. ~Helen Steiner Rice

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for answering my prayers! Thank you for keeping my babies safe in the palm of Your hand during this surgery.  Thank you for sending angels to comfort us and thank you for helping me become a more patient person in the process.  May the glory be all yours! I know we have not reached the top of the mountain yet, but I love you and I trust you to guide us and protect us - all of us - throughout this journey. Amen.

We're Not In Kansas Anymore...

After a looong drive through Kansas we arrived in Denver late Thursday night.  We had the first appointment of the day in the Colorado Fetal Care Center the next morning.  In fact, our appointment was scheduled before the doors to the building were even unlocked.  

The staff and the doctors were wonderfully gracious, kind and caring.  They were squeezing us in as an emergency but we never felt rushed or like we were an inconvenience to them.  The ultrasound technician  immediately told us she found two strong heartbeats (always a sign of a good ultrasound tech in my humble opinion). As long as there were still two heartbeats there was still hope!

The doctor worked side by side with her for three hours getting all of the important measurements.  Baby A, our donor baby, had no signs of a bladder and the membrane separating the two sacs was wrapped around Baby A like saran wrap.  Not a good sign.  Baby B, our recipient, was swimming in an ocean of fluid.  Again, not a good sign.  So we had a fetal echo cardiogram done to check the hearts of both babies.  Fortunately Baby A had a strong heart, but Baby B was suffering from heart failure from having too much fluid.  

In our family meeting with the surgical team (including the world renowned Dr. Crombeholme, who literally has written medical books on TTTS) we learned that our babies jumped from Stage 2 TTTS on Monday to Stage 3C TTTS (out of 4 possible stages - the 5th one being death) on Friday.  The doctors explained to us that, if we agreed to the surgery, they would enter Baby B’s sac and examine the blood vessels in the placenta and use a laser to close off the blood vessels causing the uneven distribution of resources.  They would also poke tiny holes in the membrane separating the two sacs to allow fluid to flow evenly between the two babies so A could have some wiggle room and B wouldn’t be swimming in quite so much.  Since we would be 15 weeks 6 days for the surgery they gave us an 85% chance of saving both babies - which I might add was significantly higher than the 50% we found from our own research on the internet! Electing not to operate would most likely result in at least one fetal death within the week.  Agreeing to the surgery was quite possibly the simplest decision we have ever made!

We were reassured by the confidence of the medical team, but I was still so anxious.  It was possible I had only a few hours left with both of my twins’ heartbeats still beating still inside of me.  I cried and I prayed. I wrote a letter to babies while I knew I still had them both inside of me telling them how much we loved them.  Telling them how much we wanted them.  Telling to love one another.  Telling them not to be afraid.  And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.

What brought me the most peace was acknowledging that even if we were separated before our time, I knew we would be reunited again in Heaven.  I asked Mary, the Blessed Mother, to adopt my babies and raise them as her own until I could get there to take over.  Surrendering so completely was incredibly hard to do (it took me a few tries for it to be truly genuine - there was a whisper of doubt I had to push through) but it brought me so much peace in knowing that no matter what the outcome, they would be loved and nurtured...and it would give me two really good reasons to live a righteous life so I could meet them someday!


Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ.

Inspirational Quote:

"If God brings you to it He will bring you through it." ~Anonymous

A Mother’s Desperate Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,My life and the lives of these two little babies are in Your hands.  We surrender to Your will.  We know in all thing you work for the good of those who love you.  We love you and we trust you.  We would like the privilege of raising these babies as part of our family to know You, to love You and to serve You.  If that is not possible I ask that you and Mary, mother of Jesus, adopt these babies and raise them as your own until we can be reunited as a family in Your kingdom of heaven.  We love you and we trust You.  In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

Recommended Reading: Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back by Todd Burpo

Chin Up, Seat Belt On

October 13th, 2014.  This is a day I will remember forever.  It was an ordinary Monday with ordinary occurrences and it started off just like any another day.  We had an ultrasound scheduled that morning which we were certain we were going to breeze through and get back to all of the things on our to-do list.  But it wasn’t just another day; it was the day we learned our babies had an aggressive form of Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS); a rare disease in which the blood is not shared evenly between the babies and if left untreated is almost certainly a death sentence for at least one, if not both, babies. 

We were 15 weeks 1 day along in the pregnancy.  The doctor told us TTTS doesn’t usually show its ugly head for another 4-6 weeks and when it shows up early it moves quickly so we had to move faster.  If we wanted to save our babies we needed surgery, but the surgery we needed wasn’t available in St. Louis.  Our doctors recommended we go to Denver where they have the best surgeon in the country for TTTS, but they rarely operated before 16 weeks and we were just 15 weeks 1 day.  

That was Monday.  By Thursday we were on the road to Denver.  We had no idea how long we would be gone or if we would return with two babies, one, or none.  But we had to try! We had to do everything we could to protect the lives we had been entrusted to nurture; even if those lives may be impacted with debilitating birth defects like cerebral palsy or mental retardation.  These were our babies and we would do anything to save them. So we packed our bags, we kissed our two small children goodbye and we started the 12.5 hour drive to Denver.  

There was a heavy fog over the valley near the Missouri River on our way out of St. Louis.  Whenever I cross the river I always make a point to look out my window, but that day the fog was so thick the river was barely visible from the bridge.  Something about that fog took my breath away; I knew the river was there, I knew it curved to the right, I knew there were trees on either side, but I couldn’t see any of it through the fog.  It was almost suffocating.  It bothered me tremendously that I couldn’t see.   I couldn’t see where my future was going, I couldn’t see where the future of my babies was going, and now I couldn’t even see where the river was going.

Then I realized that I didn’t need to know where the river was going, I just needed to know it was there!  The fog didn’t make it disappear, it just made it hard to see. And I didn’t really need to know the complete map of my future, I just needed to trust that God did and He would guide me step-by-step even if I couldn’t immediately see the next foothold.  Just because I was surrounded by fog didn’t mean I was lost and alone!

As we drove the fog lifted and so did my spirits.  I chose to appreciate the goodness; we still had two beating hearts inside of me and we had two beautiful beating hearts at home.  We had each other.  We had so many blessings!  Yes, there was a long road ahead of us (both literally and figuratively), but we chose to stop and smell the flowers along the way. Seriously! (I'll bet you didn't know that Kansas is home to the world's largest sunflower, did you?)

What better way to cut through the fog than with sunshine and sunflowers?

The next time you feel lost in the fog consider reading the following verse (it's my personal favorite) to help regain your footing so you can take the next step with confidence.

Romans 8:28

And we know in all things God works for good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  

Inspirational Quote:

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I feel lost and afraid.  Please lead us through this fog.  Please keep our babies safe in the palm of your hand. I know in all things you work for the good of those who love you.  I love you and therefore I trust you and I trust your plan for our family, wherever it may lead us. Thank you for your loving grace.  Amen.

Vanishing Act

We live in a day and age where information is always at our fingertips.  There is certainly something to be said for being well-informed, but sometimes we get more information than we need; more than is helpful.  Having twins was such a foreign concept to me that I wanted to get as much information as I could; it felt more like a need than a want at the time.  Most of what I found was negative information; not that the delivery of the information was negative, but rather most articles and sites focused on the risks of multiple births.  

One risk in particular grabbed me by the heart strings and robbed me of virtually all sanity - Vanishing Twin Syndrome; this is where one of the twins literally just vanishes sometime within the first 20 weeks.  I was positive this was going to happen to me.  I was so positive that one of my magic little beans had, in fact, disappeared that I called the emergency nurse line one night (like I said, my sanity was MIA) begging for another ultrasound just a week after our last one.  The Nurse Practitioner who called me back said, “That is a very odd thing to worry about. You know honey, rare things happen rarely.” But I had googled it, I knew it could happen. Which meant it could happen to me.  Besides, “rare” was such a subjective word, I was sure of it...So they reluctantly scheduled an appointment for a repeat ultrasound.  

Scheduling the ultrasound momentarily brought me some peace of mind, but then it occurred to me that one more ultrasound was not going to be enough; that creeping anxiety would be back as soon as they wiped the jelly off my stomach and short of daily (or better yet, hourly) ultrasounds I was not going to have any peace of mind by looking for it in all the wrong places; which made me really look inside myself.  

The real reason I was so anxious was because I was filled with so much doubt.  It was so surreal that it truly didn’t feel like it could possibly be real.  Like it was a mistake; like God made a mistake and as soon as He realized it He was going to snatch it away from me.  Just poof, one or both of the twins would vanish in the snap of a finger.  You see, in the year leading up to this I had made some poor choices that caused a lot of heartache and I felt like I should still be punished for these choices.  Or at the very least certainly not rewarded with such a miracle - or rather two miracles.

I realized that by demanding ultrasounds on the spot I was trying to strong arm the situation.  I was trusting only in my ability to control what I could not possibly control; not in God and certainly not in His plan for me.  This realization forced me to pause and re-evaluate my priorities.  I took one shaky step forward and hesitantly cancelled my impromptu appointment (the angels perched on my shoulders were still sparring up until the last second).  This was incredibly difficult but also incredibly relieving at the same time because it took the pressure of trying to control the universe (or at least my uterus) off of my shoulders.  It helped me appreciate and fully experience the joy having twins and I went from shaking like a leaf out of fear to bouncing up and down with joy.  I was simply overcome with gratitude, excitement and peace of mind; my doubt had vanished, not one of the babies!

If you struggle with fear or doubt, whether its rational or not, the following may help you as it helped me.

Matthew 8:26

And he said to them, "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?" Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

Inspirational quote:

"Our heavenly Father understands our disappointment, suffering, pain, fear, and doubt.  He is always there to encourage our hearts and help us understand that He's sufficient for all of our needs.  When I accepted this as an absolute truth in my life, I found that my worrying stopped." ~Charles Stanley

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

 Every day I tell you I love you and I trust you.  Thank you for helping me live these words and not just recite them.  Thank you for having a plan for me.  Thank you for giving me the courage and the strength to cast away the doubt from my heart so that I may live out your plan.  And, of course, thank you for blessing our family with our two beautiful children and these two tiny miracles!  I love you and I trust you.  Amen. 

Best Laid Plans

“It’s okay mommy, don’t cry.  It’s just the baby making you have a vomit.  Just do this.” He said giving me a big toothy grin.  Schooled by my four-year old son.

I was happy. I was very happy; we had a plan and the plan was unfolding beautifully...but something was different about this pregnancy; I wasn’t just sick, I was really sick.  Like vomit in the car while I was driving, sick.  Like vomit in the backyard because I can’t make it inside, sick.  Like vomit all over my suit just hours before I was a presenting sponsor at a regional conference, sick. Sorry for the graphic detail, but I think you get the picture.  I chalked it up to this being my third pregnancy in four years.  Or maybe it was something else...

Apparently this means 1-2 babies....

The day I found out I was pregnant with twins was one of the best days of my life (of equal significance to finding out I was pregnant with my son, 4, and my daughter, 1, of course)!  The only thing that could have made it better was if my husband had been with me.  But at the time he was in a room with another woman.  Another woman who happened to be naked.  True story. Well, mostly true story.  Let me explain...

I think I’ve made it quite clear that I was sick with this pregnancy. At nine weeks I was no longer able to keep any food or fluids down for over 24 hours.  I was sick and tired of being sick. I was so sick and tired of waiting to feel better I didn’t even want to wait for my husband to get home from the baseball game to take me to the ER when I hit the 24 hour mark.  So I did what any rational, patient person would do and I called a sitter and drove myself.

The patient patient...

Shortly after I had an IV pumping much needed fluids into my veins, both my husband and the ER doctor arrived.  The doctor wheeled in an ultrasound machine that looked as old as I was, but he was the MD so I sat there as patiently as I could and tried my best not to vomit on him.

“Ma'am, the reason you’ve been so sick is because I’m almost positive there are two heartbeats. Congratulations, I think you’re going to have twins!”

Wowy zowy! Twins?!?

“Of course I’m not 100% certain because our equipment isn’t generally used for this purpose so you will need to confirm with your OB’s office.”

Right.  And this is when my MBA surpassed his MD. I wanted to believe it, but twins didn’t run in either one of our families so it truly would have to be a miracle; but miracles were for other people, right?

I was left hanging in the unknown for seven days.  Seven days! Coincidentally, 7 days the amount of time God took to create heaven and earth. I used that same amount of time, however, to do considerably less productive things; things like worry, fret and obsess.  I didn't have a contingency plan for twins up my sleeve and I certainly didn't have a contingency plan for not having a plan.

Each day I started to believe a little more and a little more that maybe this was for real.Maybe God did bless us with two tiny miracles!  Fast forward to the day of the repeat ultrasound.  We had the last appointment of the day before the one and only part-time ultrasound technician left for the week.  My bladder was full and I was so so so ready to find out.  It was time to walk in for our appointment and there was no sign of my husband who was stuck in traffic.

So I did what any loving, patient spouse with a very full bladder, battling nausea would do - I walked in alone. Yes, I absolutely regret doing this now, but the thought of waiting any longer was literally painful. Besides, there would likely be a wait to be seen, right?

Wrong.  For the first time in OB history there was no wait.  So I notified the lady at the front desk that my husband would be running a few minutes late and eagerly followed the ultrasound tech.

Moments later she confirmed, with absolute certainty this time, that we were expecting TWINS! Each baby was in their own sac but it looked like there was only one placenta - identical

twins!!

Introducing Baby A and Baby B!

Meanwhile my husband had arrived and rushed into the office.  The receptionist took him back to the exam rooms and showed him into a room with a closed door.  A room where there was someone’s wife, just not his own, who happened to be naked.  Poor soul. (I am so sorry whomever you are!).

Little did we know at the time, but this was just the first leg of our wild adventure with twins.  TWINS!  We are truly blessed.  No matter how unexpected, God chose us for these babies...which makes us a truly fortunate family of six! 

Proverbs 19:21

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."

Inspirational quote:

"The most important lesson that I have learned is to trust God in every circumstance. Lots of times we go through different trials and following God's plan seems like it doesn't make any sense at all. God is always in control and he will never leave us." ~Allyson Felix

My prayer: 

Dear Lord,
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We are so grateful and appreciative of this amazing gift.  Please grant us the patience and perseverance we will need to endure this pregnancy and raise all four of these incredible blessings.  We love you and we trust your plan for our family over our own. Thank you! Amen.

About Tiny Little Blessings

This is the story of my walk in faith through the wondrous joy of learning we were expecting twins, to the harrowing experience of learning our twins had an aggressive form of Twin-To-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) all while raising our first two tiny blessings.  This is a story of finding gratitude and appreciation in the blessings God has given us and trusting in Him every step of the way throughout our journey.

If you are reading this and have been diagnosed with TTTS, please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.  I hope our story will bring you peace, faith and hope.  I know it is scary.  I know it is hard. Stay strong! We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but we do know....“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.”  James 1:12.

Please know that this blog is intended as a gift to my children so that someday when they are old enough to read this they will know how much they are loved and wanted - all four of them!  This story is also a gift to the families all over the world struggling with this unpredictable disease so that they may find hope in their struggles.  This is not a professional ministry by any means and the passages included are just ones that have brought me peace; I hope they bring peace to you as well. Finally, this is an unscripted story that is unfolding with new twists and turns every day so I ask for your prayers for our family as well and for our tiny little blessings.

For more information on TTTS and ways you can help families affected by this disease please go to www.tttsfoundation.org.

Thank you for reading and God Bless!