I'm With the Band

Our little Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) survivors are really rocking it in the NICU! Eight weeks in and I have nothing but good news to report:

• Both babies have more than DOUBLED their weight! Baby A started at 1 lb 12 oz and is now 4 lbs 1 oz.  Baby B started at 2 lbs 3 oz and is now 5 lbs 2 oz (and outgrew preemie clothes btw)
• Oh, yeah, they are in clothes now!
• And in open air cribs!
• Baby B's infection in her incision is clearing up beautifully
• Both babies are weaning off their oxygen support
• Both babies are regulating their body temperatures really well
• Both babies are interacting with us during their care times
• We can pick them up by ourselves like real parents without two nurses facilitating all transfers
• Best of all...I got to hold them both at the same time yesterday, which was the first time we were all reunited in 60 days!  Thank you Jesus!!!

These little girls have really stolen the show and I've just gotten to stand back and watch them hit the high notes. We are so grateful for these tiny miracles and for all of you out there who are praying for our family.  Your prayers are being heard and answered so thank you, thank you, thank you!  I'm keeping it short today because life is crazy busy, but here are our little rockstars who want to thank you, too!

 Big brother and big sister deserve a shout out, too, for being really great about sharing mom and dad...and for making me laugh by being ultra silly!

Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.  

Psalms 107:1
O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his mercy endures forever. 

Inspirational Quote: 

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." ~ Oprah Winfrey 

My Prayer: 

Dear Heavenly Father, You have gotten us through so much these past few months that my heart feels like it could burst from all of Your love.  Thank You for being there every step of the way and thank You for giving us a reason to pause and celebrate all of the good things.  Let my words of thanks be my song for you.  

I know we are only halfway there but I also know You will continue to sustain us and give us opportunities to praise and give thanks. I am so grateful for this experience and all of the wonderful friends you have given us - both old and new, the near and the far, the believers and the nonbelievers.  May You shower your blessings on them all as You have blessed our family.  

I also pray for the many families who are currently battling TTTS and especially for those who have lost their babies to this devastating disease.  May You flood them with peace and send their little angels down to hug them.  Help them trust in Your plan. Thank You, Amen.
 

Sweet [Joyful] Dreams

Some days, or nights rather, when I call the NICU to check on our girls before bed and I hear their tiny little cries on the other end of the phone I'm very tempted to cry myself. It is oh so easy to imagine that they are in pain or discomfort. I mean why else would they be crying? (The fact that they are babies and babies cry seems completely irrelevant in the moment.) 

I convince myself that they are in pain and suffering and I'm not there for them. "So go, you'll feel better if you tuck them in," my husband tells me...which makes me cry harder because I'm too tired to get up again after working all day, balancing my "free" time between my four children, my husband and preparing a school Valentine's Day party. I only have three hours to sleep before I need to be up again to pump so I let myself feel worse for being so tired when my babies clearly need me. I let myself wallow, I let myself cry and I let myself get angry and frustrated with our situation...all because one of my babies cried. 

Right now it is 3:30 AM and I went to bed a few hours ago down in the dumps while my husband, who knew I was upset got up, got dressed and drove to the hospital to check on them because he knew it would bring me peace of mind. (Thank you Honey, I love you.) And guess what? They were fine. Babies cry, that is what they do.

I generally use my time pumping to pray and tell God all of the things I'm thankful for, but today I let those feelings of being down in the dumps tame my heart. I was still melancholy even in my prayers and then I read this:

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1:2-4 (NLT)

It was my choice. I could spend my time and energy on a pity party or I could focus on joy, and not just joy but great joy! So I chose to think about all of the doctors and nurses, today even (or maybe that is yesterday now??) who told us how lucky we were our Baby B was safe. Despite some drainage and separation of her incision, her prognoses was good. "You're very lucky," they told us. Over and over and over again. 

Although I don't doubt that we are fortunate, I don't necessarily think it has anything to do with luck, it has to do with being loved. They/we are loved by God our Father and He is keeping them safe. He is their Protector and He is keeping them under a watchful eye. So instead of weighing down my heart with sadness, guilt and worry I'm going to go back to bed now with a much lighter heart and, with great joy, count down one more day until we can be together as a family.  I can be thankful for this opportunity to grow and develop and be perfect in His eyes.  And I can go back to sleep gladfully (is this even a word? Perhaps I really should go to sleep. Now.) knowing this is a gift and my girls are protected and we are all so so loved. Goodnight, sleep tight my little angels. I pray you have sweet and joyful dreams.

This was the view from my hospital window when I was waiting for my girls to arrive.  It brought me so much peace knowing He was there with me.  Ironically my girls' room is right under this cross.  Right now they are right where they need to be and they are right under His watchful eye.  

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for speaking Your words to me today when I needed to hear them.  Thank you for helping me refocus on the blessings you have given us.  Thank You for giving me this opportunity to focus on Your love and the great joy in my life.  Thank You for helping me develop my heart in Your name.  And thank You for keeping my babies under Your watchful and loving eye so that I can close my eyes in peace and get the rest I need right now. 

I love You and I trust You. Amen. 

A Helping Hand

Yesterday morning I was getting ready for a doctor appointment when the NICU called; Baby B needed emergency abdominal surgery ASAP.  Even though there literally was nothing I could do myself to save her I was pulling (maybe flying) out of my driveway before I got off the phone with the doctor.

I drove 90 miles an hour weaving in an out of traffic (it's a good thing my guardian angels can fly faster than I can drive).  Fortunately there were no cops out, not that I would have stopped for them anyway; they could have chased me all the way to the hospital for all I cared, nothing was going to slow me down or keep me from getting to my baby one second too late.  

That's right, nothing could slow me down...except a homeless man (no, I did not hit a homeless man if that is what you're thinking).  The light was green, all I needed to do was gun it and then the hospital would be in sight, but something tugged on my heart and I hit the brake instead of the accelerator.  I've driven past beggars on the side of the road more times than I care to admit without giving them a second thought, but this man grabbed my attention.  There he was standing out in below freezing weather and he needed help.  

In that moment we were two helpless souls, but helpless doesn't equal hopeless.  I may not have been able to actually do anything to help my baby, but I could still help him so I rolled down my window and handed him all of the money I had in my wallet.  "God bless you." He said as I handed him the money.  "And God bless you." I said to him...and then I gunned it through the light.

I got to the hospital just as the doctors and nurses were prepping my tiny little baby for surgery.  She looked so sickly.  I prayed over her and kissed her tiny little forehead.  The doctors, the nurses, and the chaplain all prayed for her and then she was taken into surgery.

I was sitting in the waiting room with my husband crying quietly on the outside but wailing and screaming on the inside. I didn't understand.  She was perfectly fine two days ago, looking around an smiling (sure, it was probably just gas, but she did smile!) and then all of a sudden she was so sick. 

Our Baby B smiling!

Necrotizing Entercolitis is a disease of the intestinal tract from the organs not being fully developed.  X-rays showed that a portion of her small intestine was likely dead and if they didn't operate now her intestines would essentially burst inside her body similar to an appendix rupturing.  

I knew God was with her. I knew He would get her through the surgery, but this voice in my head kept questioning things; like, at 3 lbs 9 oz she was so tiny and fragile, how could she possibly make it through this surgery?  Could she even survive if they had to remove her entire small intestine?  What would happen to our family if we lost our youngest member? What would we tell her brother and sisters? How could my life go on without all four of my babies here with me??

The day prior when I was sitting next to little Baby B praying the medicine would heal her I asked God to send His word to me. I randomly opened my bible and my eyes went straight to the words "and the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled and they cried out in fear...But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying 'Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid...O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"  When I read those words I knew He had it covered...But she didn't get better, in fact she got worse and so I doubted.  I was helpless and now borderline hopeless.  Something had to change.  I had to start thinking of something else, something more positive, something to help me focus on faith instead of fear.

I thought of that homeless man on the side of the highway.  Maybe it wasn't just a coincidence.  Maybe God was trying to tell me something...If He could send me to offer a helping hand to this person in need in the middle of my crisis, then surely He could send the right doctors and trained medical team to care for my precious little baby.  Surely He could hold her in His hand one more time.  Surely He could save her and heal her.  

Looking back He hadn't failed us. Not. Even. Once.  Not only did He give these tiny little blessings life, He kept them safe in His hand during the TTTS surgery, He kept them safe in His hand when they became mono-mono twins, He kept them safe in His hand when my water broke at 22 weeks, He kept them safe in His hand after my placenta abruption, He kept them safe in His hand during delivery just shy of 26 weeks gestation and He has kept them safe every day so far.  Maybe He really does have the whole world in His Hands.  "O you of little faith why did you doubt?"

Baby B pulled through the surgery beautifully.  The doctors were able to remove the portion of dead intestine although it will require additional surgery to reconnect the healthy ends.  It was quite alarming to see an incision from side to side and her insides on her outside, but the doctors and nurses have assured us that she is healing quickly and beautifully.  God really does have this covered!

Baby A, who was VERY well behaved during all of this nonsense. 

I don't know why I doubt sometimes, I don't know why I worry sometimes, I don't know why I'm afraid sometimes, but I do know that if I ask for help He hears me and He answers me.  If you struggle with doubt, too take heart, you're not the only one.  Clearly, if you read the scripture, we aren't the first either.  Yet He is patient with us and will help us when we ask.  So go on, ask.  He's listening. 

Matthew 14:26-33

And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear.  But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.  But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord save me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt me?" And when they got into the boat the wind ceased.  Then those who were in the boat came and worshipped Him, saying. "Truly You are the Son of God."

Inspirational Quote:

Where there is life there is hope in miracles. ~ My Mom :)

My prayer:

Thank you Jesus for hearing me and answering my desperate pleas with Your Helping Hand.  I promise I will work on doubting my doubt and trusting You every step.  Please forgive me for fumbling. Truly You are the Son of God! 

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to give even when everything else felt impossible.  Thank you for making the impossible not only possible, but bearable.  I ask that You place Your healing hand on Baby B as well as all of her siblings and breath Your life, Your strength and Your love into their hearts.  I love You and I trust you (for real this time).  Amen.