Burdens are for the Birds

Today after school my son was recounting his day and he mentioned that he told his buddies about how, when we went to Disney a few months ago, we got pizza late at night and birds on the roof of our hotel magically spoke to us saying "Mine! Mine! Mine!" #Nemo

It was kind of a random inconsequential thing for him to remember, let alone share with his friends, but to him it was an important life event. What I remember about that day though was an early morning visit to Urgent Care following a sleepless night, 10 hours of travel, heavy suitcases, hungry kids, over priced food, walking in rain against 60 mpr winds, sleeping in a puddle of my child's vomit.  We both had experienced the same day but we held onto different things. I chose to hold on to burden.  He chose to hold onto magical birds.  

All I could think about was how much I wanted to be a kid again. Sometimes adulting is heavy and exhausting and full of hard places.  I want magic...not magic drummed up by commercialism, but the magic of hope and joy and rest that only Jesus can provide because I so desperately need Him in my life.  And, if I had to guess I would say you do, too.  

So, I'm going to take a note out of my son's book and share with all of my buddies (that includes you) all of the really awesome gifts we've been given in the past few months.  I'm going to stand on the figurative rooftop and praise the God that is mine, because life is good and I mean really good! (I'm not saying this just because I happen to be drinking wine right now.)

Since my last post, our TTTS survivor Baby B can now sit up unsupported!  She is even starting to stand for a few minutes at a time without her leg braces!  Best of all, she finally had her cochlear implant surgery and now she can....wait for it....HEAR!!! And she LOVES listening to all of the sounds in our world (maybe not at first, but she does now). Such beautiful gifts, thank You Jesus!!!

Baby A has learned to use both sides of her body to kick and splash in the bath (cutest. thing. ever.)! Baby A has been approved for eye surgery so she can SEE properly out of BOTH EYES!!! And she is WALKING in her reverse-walker!!! Such beautiful gifts, thank You Jesus!!!

My son is reading! And can play "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" on the violin! My 2-year old daughter is counting to 20 (who knew five-teen was a real number?)! And can do the monkey bars and flips on the trapeze by herself. They are both are so so so determined. Such beautiful gifts, thank You Jesus!!!

Okay, now it's your turn. What magical things are happening in your life right now? Shout it from the rooftop! Forget the rest, it is over and done and yesterday - or whatever day it was - is gone so don't let it weigh you down.  Focus on what is awesome and carry that with you throughout today into tomorrow.

Matthew 18:3

And he said, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven".

Psalm 86:12

I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.

Inspirational Quotes

"It is the childlike mind that finds the kingdom." ~ Charles Fillmore 

"Just keep swimming." ~ Dory, Finding Nemo

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,Thank You for this incredible life, I gladly and humbly accept Your gifts and Your grace. Thank You for being there in all of the moments, the monumental and the simple, holding my hand and leading me ever so gently.  Your gifts have included hard days and easy ones, but Your goodness has been evident in all of them.  Please help me let go of the weight of the past and only carry Your love forward.
Thank You that my son remembers talking birds and nothing less pleasant from our adventure together.  Thank You for that special time with my son and daughter and the moments woven into each and every day with them, they are such treasures.  Watching Baby A walk is so wonderful and heartwarming and my gratitude for Your good works leaves me speechless at times. Father, thank You that Baby B can finally hear, it is such an amazing gift that I probably will always be in awe of, so praise You with all of my heart and soul.    I love You, I trust You and I will follow You wherever you lead. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Heaven on Earth

Friends, we are 7 days away from Baby B's cochlear implant surgery!!! Seven. In seven days a surgeon will be boring a hole through my daughter's skull - God willing, of course.  AHHHHHH!!! I'm cautiously optimistic since this will be our third stab at the surgery over the past four months and I've learned not to get my hopes up too high. I've also learned not to FREAK OUT too much. Kinda. Mostly.

Actually, I feel like a Boov ("Home" - watch it, love it).  I'd rather run away than deal with what is going to happen.  Since that won't be happening I just eat cake instead. Soooo much cake. Even cake that I don't like.  Even cake that has been sneezed on.  There is no discrimination when it comes to cake.  Also, no serving size.  I don't even need a plate - just the whole thing.  You're probably reading this and thinking, "Wow, that is really unhealthy and kinda gross." I KNOW!  I probably need an intervention, but I'm holding onto the hope that my sugar addiction will loosen it's grip on me after the surgery.  In the mean time I wanted to take some time to share some thoughts about life...

This happened. More than once. In the same week. Ugh.

When I first learned Baby B was profoundly deaf it hit me like a freaking freight train.  I didn't see that one coming and it knocked me right on my caboose. I had to grieve for her hearing loss because of what I thought her future looked like.  Here I am now, what feels like a million years and only a few moments all at the same time, and I am truly [mostly] content with our circumstances.  I don't know what her future looks like now anymore than I did then, but I'm not afraid for her anymore and that has brought me so much peace.

So what's changed? Everything and nothing. That is usually how it goes when God is at work in your life, or at least when you turn and open your heart to His plan over your own - everything changes and yet nothing changes at all.

Baby B's hearing loss is still just as profound today as it was the day she first failed her hearing test.  But I've had the incredible opportunity to watch her grow and care for her.  When she cries I hear her and I comfort her.  When she's hungry I feed her.  When she's tired I rock her to sleep.  When she's happy I smile back at her.  When she's playful I tickle her and play peek-a-boo.  When she snuggles her cheek against mine I hold her and never ever want to let go.

She has no idea she can't hear, but she can absolutely without a doubt feel loved and cherished.

Friends, this deafness has removed any shadow of a doubt I may have had about this seemingly mythical place known as Heaven.  You may be wondering where I'm going with this, but please stay with me as I try to articulate in words what has only really been a feeling up until this point...

Our little Baby B has no idea she is making sounds, but I do; I can hear them and decipher what she needs and care for her in ways she cannot care for herself.  She has no idea how much joy it brings to my heart to hear her make sounds as she explores the way her tongue and mouth work, but I do.  She has no idea I'm talking to her when my lips move telling her how much I love her, but she feels the warmth of my expression and smiles back at me.  She has no idea that there is so much more waiting for her after this cochlear implant - laughter, music even dogs barking.

What if we are all missing a "sense" that is ever present in all of our lives? What if there is so much more waiting for us, too?

Friends, if I can hear all of these things and provide her with what she needs as her mother here on earth, how much more can our Heavenly Father glean from our lives?  Even though we can't hear Him as we hear our friends and family, isn't He still talking to us? Doesn't He hear our prayers and provide for all of our needs?  Can't we still feel His love when we spend time in His presence? Don't we bring joy to His heart by praying to Him and loving one another? (The correct answers are yes, yes, yes and yes.)

Even if the cochlear implant doesn't work this whole experience has been such a gift, a gift I want to share with you (just don't ask me to share my cake or you will get stabbed with a fork). I hope, if anything, that Baby B's deafness opens your eyes and your ears to the wonders going on around you here on earth and also in Heaven, because Heaven is so real I can almost hear the angels singing - can't you?

1 Corinthians 2:9

But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him"

John 14:6

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me. 

Inspirational Quote:

"God allows us to experience the low points in life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn no other way." ~ C.S. Lewis

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,Thank you for the peace You have brought me through this experience.  Thank you also for the very human emotions that allow me to go up and down so that I may fully recognize and appreciate Your perfect gift.  Thank you for this opportunity to be a mother to these four unique children, please open my eyes and theirs to see the goodness You have planted inside of each of them.
Father, please, please, please protect my baby girl during surgery and keep any meningitis or other infections at bay.  I pray that this surgery is not too painful for her and that all of the suffering will be worthwhile in the end when she can hear our voices. 
Father, I also pray for my friends and readers, that you open their eyes and ears to the glories of Your Son in Heaven.  Speak so that they can hear You working in their lives.  In Jesus' name, Amen. 

My Heaven on Earth...

One Year and Counting

One year. Three Hundred Sixty-Five days. Eight Thousand, Seven Hundred Sixty (mostly sleepless) Hours. Five surgeries. Countless prayers.  A million smiles. A lifetime of precious moments.  Ups. Downs. Victory.  One year!!

Our double Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) survivors celebrated their first birthday today!!  I'd like to say we had a big elaborate birthday party but its more like a big sigh of relief.  We made it!!  We can stop holding our breath.  We get to keep them. :)

Happy Birthday Twins!

Birthday Girl Addie

Birthday Girl Kallie

Time has a different filter now so please forgive me for the pause in posts.  Life used to be a progression of events and activities that built on one another moving us in a meticulously planned direction.  I suppose in many ways it still is, it is just that the plan is not ours and the definition of success has been majorly redefined; we had it all wrong, success is loving deeply in all of the hard places. It's that easy and that hard all at the same time.

Sadly many people spends their days splashing in the shallow waters of what the world tells us is right and good. In reality it is just a big puddle void of true life.  (Trust me.)  It's not entirely their fault; not everyone has the same opportunities to love like we've been given.  We are one of the lucky few who have been pushed into the deep-end and forced to sink or swim. I love sharing my family's story so that other people can experience the joy and wonder of living, loving, and trusting deeply.

Our twins, who are the youngest of four small children, both have cerebral palsy from brain damage they endured in the womb from TTTS.  One is profoundly deaf, one has strabismus in both eyes.  At first glance you might think that they have a lifetime ahead of them overshadowed by the lasting effects of TTTS, but that's just what it looks like on the surface; the truth is so much deeper.

I know with all of my heart and soul that they will use the shadow as the backdrop for the light inside of them to shine.  And shine it will!! It will be a million times brighter than the birthday candle on their cake. :) Just wait, they will amaze you.  Actually, don't wait - they are already amazing. Come to think of it, so are you, so I invite you to join our hands and be the light our world so desperately needs. Xoxoxoxoxo.

Matthew 5:14-16

You are the light of the world.  A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Inspirational Quote: 

Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday Addie and Kallie, Happy Birthday to you! (I will never get tired of singing this to them!)

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank You for these precious gifts from Heaven.  They are such an integral part of our family, so valued and loved.  Thank You for getting us to this very special day, there were many moments I wondered if we would get here together, but You didn't have to wonder - it is all part of Your magnificent plan.  I trust Your plan wholly and completely and I am looking forward to each day and each year ahead of us.  Please give us the strength and courage we will need each step of the way.  I also ask that You please help all of our children, and all of Your children reading about our story, feel valued and feel Your love in their hearts so that they may shine brightly for You.  In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Say "Yes"

Today is a special day.  It's a day of reflection, and celebration.  Exactly one year ago today we said "yes" to God.  That "yes" completely changed the trajectory of our lives and opened the door to blessings I didn't have the courage to even dream about.  There have been bumps and sharp turns, more than I care to count, but it has also been (and is) exactly perfect.

On this day a year ago we found out our twins had advanced Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS).  At 15 weeks into the pregnancy it was a death sentence for both of them if we did nothing.  If we wanted to save our babies there was only one option - to leave our home in St. Louis and travel to Denver for emergency inutero surgery.  The decision had to be made that day.  Travel arrangements and doctors appointments with our new fetal care team had to be booked immediately.  There literally was no time to spare.

We could say "no" and go home to resume our normal lives; that was always an option, but doing so would mean both babies would die within a week.  Or, we could say "yes" to HOPE, but doing so would mean losing all control over our circumstances.

On average, the surgery adds 8-10 weeks to a TTTS pregnancy.  Odds were we would deliver between 23-25 weeks gestation.  (A typical pregnancy is 40 weeks gestation.) We are educated people, we knew the risks and challenges babies born between 23-25 weeks face if they survived such a premature delivery.  We knew our girls were likely to have disabilities.  We knew what that would mean for our family.  We had to make a choice: yes or no.

We said "yes" (that much is obvious if you've been following this blog).  We said yes to life.  We said yes to hope.  We said yes to God's will.

We had no idea what would happen, but He did.  We had no control over our situation, but He did.  He had a plan that would shape us into the people He intended us to be.  It required us to let go of everything that felt comfortable and hold onto hope.  Letting go was so very, very hard, but it was the only way to love - and live - the life He planned for us.  Hope was all we had.  Fortunately for us, love and faith go hand-in-hand with hope, it's a packaged deal.

Looking back over this past year I don't think we would be where we are today without that hope, love and faith.  Without it I don't think we would have had the courage to let go and trust in His plan for our lives.

Our girls were born exactly 10 weeks after the surgery.  They are healthy and strong - strong enough to overcome all the challenges they face. They amaze me every day.  Their mere presence is proof of miracles.  Nothing is impossible for God.

They aren't the only ones who amaze me.  My husband amazes me.  Saying yes to the twins renewed our yes to our marriage even though ironically it almost did end in "death do us part" when I was in the hospital sick and bleeding internally.  We said yes to God and He said yes to us, saving us and saving our girls. We are so blessed.

My older children amaze me, too.  They have grown so independent yet loving and compassionate, supporting one another in hard times and celebrating with one another in good times.  I'm not the only one who notices; their teachers and school administrators have noticed as well - they stand apart from their classmates, but in a good way. We are so blessed.

My family amazes me. My mom, my dad, my aunt, my sister - so many people have given so freely to my family this past year, and they continue to do so as we juggle life.  They were the first to teach me love and they are here by our side to help teach our children as well. We are so blessed.

My friends amaze me.  They are there for me no matter what, no matter what I look like, how much spit-up I have in my hair, and even on the days when I don't have time to brush my teeth. (Like today. Oops.) They cook meals for me, they run errands for me, they pray with and for me, and they give the best hugs even if its just a <HUG> on a screen. (Real ones are waaay better, but its the thought that counts.) I am so blessed. 

To think that none of this would have happened if we had said "no" is almost incomprehensible.  I am so incredibly grateful for everything that had to happen to get us to this point. Every single thing. Every.  Single.  Day. We are so blessed.

God sure does work in mysterious ways.  It's unlikely that you will be faced with a crucial decision today, but, at some point, you will be faced with opportunities to choose yes or no in your life.  No matter the risks, no matter the statistics, no matter what the world tells you, no matter how terribly hard it may be, say YES to God. Love Him by letting go of whatever you may be holding onto and live the life He created just for you - you are so blessed. So celebrate today and every day and be on the look out for your next "yes"!

Acts 16:31

And they said, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household".

1 John 2:15-17

Do not love the world or the things in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions - is not the Father but is from the world.  and the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Inspirational Quote

"Learn to say 'no' to the good so you can say 'yes' to the best." ~ John C. Maxwell

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank You for giving us the courage to say "yes" to You and Your plan for our lives.  I didn't know I had it in me, but You did - and it was only because I had You and Your strength in my heart so thank You.  I pray for everyone who reads this, that You may give them the courage they may need to say "yes" to You and Your plan for their lives. We are all so blessed, thank You. Help us be living examples of Hope, Faith and Love today, tomorrow, and forever.  In Jesus' name, Amen. 

The Best Gifts

Friends, the thing about "the best gifts" is that they are often something you wanted but kept secret in your heart or didn't see coming at all.  They are unexpected yet at the same time absolute perfection.

My family was recently given a gift that is pretty amazing, but admittedly I may have balked at the packaging.  Okay, fine "balked" may be too soft of a word, let's just say it took a lot of tears, hugs and cookies (sooo many cookies) for me to open it an really look inside.

Before I get into the details of this particular present I want to distinguish something; I'm sharing this with you because I want to share it and I hope it will maybe someway somehow help you reconcile whatever is going on in your world with your faith as I have mine.  Friends, I want to make this very important distinction because if I'm not in someway helping other people than all I'm doing is whining into a megaphone and nobody likes a whiner.  Trust me, I have four.

Friends, our world got shaken up a bit recently with some unforeseen findings in a MRI for our Baby B; Baby B, our Twin-to-Twin-Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) recipient has been a fighter since she was born just shy of 26 weeks gestation weighing 2 lbs 3 oz.  She survived NEC, several surgeries and several infections.  She permanently lost almost 100% of her hearing in both ears.  Our plan was for Baby B to get cochlear implants in both of her ears so she could be an oral communicator like her siblings.  Life doesn't always go as planned though.

A few months ago I wrote about one of our twins surviving a stroke (spoiler alert, that was Baby A).  Baby A is absolutely amazing; she's such a little love bug who smiles at everyone (well everyone except her Physical Therapists) and loves to hold her sister's hand.  She is 100% perfect, but the stroke did leave her with some challenges, particularly with the left side of her body.

The thing about being a parent is that you never want your kids to experience any discomfort or suffering,;you want them to be happy and comfortable until they die at a ripe old age and join you in heaven where the happily ever after will be continued for eternity.  That is what I wanted for Baby A.  I wanted to take away all of the struggles she would inevitably face in our broken world, but I couldn't, I can't, and so I worried.

I worried that she would feel inferior for not being able to keep up with her siblings. Or her classmates.  Or the fast pace of the world around us.   Her sister's hearing loss I could fix with implants and specialized schooling, but how could I fix the fact that my precious little baby had a stroke? I didn't want her to feel isolated or alone, but I kept it close to my heart because if I brought it to the surface then I would be the one isolating and stigmatizing her and that was the opposite of what I wanted.

Enter the gift.  Friends, as it turns out, our Baby B also survived a stroke - just like her twin sister. Based on the scans of her brain she will likely experience seizures at some point in her life - just like her twin sister.  And she will likely have some degree of cerebral palsy - just like her twin sister.  But then again maybe they won't.  We don't know God's plan.  They have beat the odds every step of the way so far and they have done it together. These girls...they are MIRACLES.

Like I said though, I balked at this gift.  It took me a while to look past what this news means for me (you may understand now why I gorged on desserts) and look at what this news means for THEM.  They are not alone in this!!!  They never have to feel isolated or alone.  They have someone - their sister, their BFF - who knows exactly what struggles they are facing.  They will know (please God, I'm counting on this!) how to comfort one another and how to celebrate the big victories with one another because they will KNOW exactly what it took to do what everyone else around them has taken for granted.  They will know because He knows; He knows exactly what they need.

No, they probably won't live a life free of suffering.  No, I can't fix that, but honestly if I could I wouldn't because there is no growth in easy.  There is no glory in comfortable.  But there can be grace in suffering.  Suffering, when wrapped in love, is how transformation happens.  Suffering, when wrapped in love and received with grace, is one of the very Best Gifts.

I can celebrate this news because God knows how to give the Best Gifts ever (#Jesus).  I can trust His plans for me.  I can trust His plans for all four of my children.  I can trust His plans for you.  I hope you can, too.

Don't worry Friend, trusting doesn't mean you don't have feelings; you are absolutely entitled to have feelings.  Here's a hug <SQUEEZE> and permission to eat anything you want to help you get through whatever you're feeling right now (I recommend chocolate chip-coconut-oatmeal cookies).  Just don't forget - it's rude not to say thank you when you're given a gift so say THANK YOU and give Him all the glory for the incredible gifts He's given you! (Just so we're clear this advice falls under the Best Gift category.  You're welcome.)


James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times and a brother [or sister] is born for a time of adversity. 

Inspirational Quote:

"God's dream is that you and I and all of us will realize that we are family, that we are made for togetherness, for goodness, and for compassion." ~ Desmond Tutu

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all four of my children.  They are all so different and yet I love them each the same.  You knew them before I did and You know exactly what each of them needs.  Thank you for making them the way You did and thank you for giving them what they need.  Please help me be the very best mother I can be to each of them.  Please help me show them love, teach them to give and receive grace, and allow them the freedom to suffer (just a little bit!) in a supportive and loving environment so that they may flourish and grow. Thank you for Your love, thank you for Your everlasting presence and thank you for Your perfect gifts. In Jesus' name, Amen.

BFFs

We're Fighting...

Friends, my son has a plan.  He really, REALLY, wants "tying" shoes or at the very least flip flops so he took the liberty of planning a trip to the shoe store for us anytime that is convenient as long as its now.  I mean his shoes are SOOO old. (We bought them three weeks ago.)

Virtually everyday I get assaulted with requests, and, depending on how tired he happens to be, sometimes even demands.  What kind of a mother doesn't buy very much needed shoes for her own son? Everyday my response is the same; "I will absolutely buy you tying shoes...when your feet grow and you can prove to me you can actually tie these fancy new shoes."  I have given him a standing offer for lessons and 9 times out of 10 I'm turned down.  He wants what he wants and he wants it now.  Not later.  Later is simply unacceptable.  (No, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.)

Sometimes he accepts my answer but sometimes he digs his heels in and puts up a fight.  Feet start stomping, tears start streaming, books and/or toys start flying. (He did NOT learn that from me. Okay, fine, maybe he learned that from me.)  Little fists of fury pound on the walls of his own room during time-out.

Then there are the words, words that are designed to cut deep, to hurt as much as he's hurting.  "If you don't buy me new shoes I'll never share my toys with you again"; "If you don't buy me new shoes I'll never love you ever, ever again"; "If you don't buy me new shoes I'll take God away from you." Bless his little heart.

I hold him.  I tell him I'll love him no matter what.  Sometimes that's enough, but sometimes he's not finished being angry with me and that's fine, too.

Friends, today I was that little child who wanted something so badly that I yelled at my Father - my Heavenly Father - when I didn't get what I wanted.  And, boy, did I let Him have it.

There I was in the pediatric operating recovery room holding my precious eight-month old Baby B who was disoriented and hurting from abdominal surgery.  The thing about your kids is that when they are in pain - truly in pain - so are you.  Their pain is your pain.

Alarms were going off left and right, her oxygen levels were dropping and fast.  Her little body squirmed this way and that in my arms and she had the most pitiful moan.  Her eyes were squeezed shut so she couldn't see that I was there.  She is profoundly deaf so my voice did nothing to calm her down.  She had an oxygen mask over her tiny little baby face so she couldn't smell that it was me holding her and she couldn't tolerate being touched.  I was so...helpless.

Amidst all of this one of her many doctors (she had numerous procedures done today) dropped by on his way to the airport; he had read her MRI and the nerve that is required for cochlear implants, which would allow her to finally hear, was not present in the left ear.  Meaning she will never hear out of her left ear.  Her right ear looked more promising, but there was something else...something more significant.  The MRI showed some neurological problems that had been previously undetected, but for answers to our questions we would need to see a neurologist. And then he left on vacation and I was left sitting there holding my wailing baby.

Well, I stomped my feet right up to God's throne and I demanded answers. This. Was. Not. Acceptable.  She was supposed to get cochlear implants next month and finally hear - out of both ears, thank you very much! She was supposed to be an oral communicator and mainstreamed with her peers by first grade.  That was the plan so WTF!?!?

I was angry. I sobbed.  I pounded my fists against the walls of my own heart.  This must be my fault, my fault for sinning; if I hadn't sinned then she wouldn't have been born like this. If I hadn't selfishly wanted to her to survive everything she had survived then she wouldn't have to face such a harrowing future. 

Then there were the words, words that were designed to cut deep, to hurt as much as I was hurting.  What kind of a Father punishes sweet innocent little babies for sins they didn't commit? Why do I even bother loving and serving Him? We are SO fighting!  

I sat there pushing Him away as I tried to hold on tighter to my daughter who was pushing against the pain she was feeling as well.  I can only imagine what the scene looked like from the heavenly perspective; there I was holding a baby who was inconsolable and completely unaware that everything was okay, she was in her mother's loving arms.  And yet there we both were, in His arms, and I was inconsolable and completely unaware that everything is going to be okay.

In the middle of all of this a friend and fellow NICU survivor mom texted me to let me know if I was mad at God I should let Him know.  She said, "The Lord knows your heart, yell at Him if you need to.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 (Thank you Liz, I really, really needed to hear that!)

So here I am, submitting to Him.

I love you Father, no matter what.  I do not like this, I do not like this one bit, but I am going to lean on Your understanding not my own.  I am angry with You.  There, I said it, I'm angry with You.  But above that I love You and I trust You.  I trust that in all things You work for the good of those who love You and are called to serve according to Your purpose. I am Your servant and even now I want to give You the glory for the goodness that is here now- the goodness in life, in medical interventions, and in friendship.  I also want to give You the glory for the goodness that is yet to come.  

Please hold us and remind us that you will absolutely give her everything she needs in Your perfect timing according to Your perfect plan.  Father, I don't know what else to ask for, but since Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts and Your plans are higher than my plans please bend my will for my daughter toward Your plan for her.  May the works of God be displayed in us.  Thank you, in Jesus' name, Amen.

John 9:2-3
His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

Inspirational Quote
"Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be." ~ Sonia Ricotti

My little fighter....dukes up and ready to go!

Beauty Secrets

Beauty.  It truly is everywhere.  Our journey over the past year with Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) has really opened my eyes to the beauty in even the darkest days; in two tiny little heartbeats; in two bigger yet still so small smiling faces; in tears; in hugs; in friendship and in prayer.  

First and foremost, thank you so much for walking this path with us, you are such beautiful people! I have really enjoyed sharing this experience with you; so much so that I have decided to keep this blog going even though our battle with TTTS is over.  After all, we now have a much longer road ahead of us raising our four little blessings to become beautiful people who know, recognize, and demonstrate love while living in an imperfect world. Easier said than done, but oh so important!

When I first found out that our precious Baby A may not walk without the support of braces on her legs or that Baby B may not be able to hear fully without the support of cochlear implants my heart was crushed for them - not because they were less perfect (they are absolutely perfect!), but because of how the world will treat them.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very much at peace and content with our circumstances - incredibly grateful even - because I know we are right where God has planned for us to be.  And as imperfect as it may appear on the surface I can trust with my whole heart that what God has planned is more beautiful than what my mind can comprehend.

So they need some support; what is support? It’s just help.  And what is help? It’s compassion.  And what is compassion? It’s love.  So what exactly is there to be upset about? Nothing. 

Essentially, what my kids need is just a little extra love in their lives, but who doesn’t??  We could all use a little extra love and compassion either physically, emotionally or spiritually.  So the next time you see someone struggling with something shower them with love, compassion and acceptance.  Not one of us can survive without those three things.  We weren’t designed to! God is Love.  Out of compassion He has accepted us as His heirs and His children so that means we are love, too. It’s what we’re made up of and its what we were made to do!  

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret; we may live in an imperfect world, but that is exactly what gives us an opportunity to highlight the beauty within the imperfection.  We can do this by shining a light on the things that are beautiful which others have trouble seeing.  Help them open their eyes by being LOVE.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I flat out don’t feel like loving everyone and everything.   I’m certainly not overly loving when there is a shark under the bed in the middle of the night or when I have a gazillion things to do and places to be and someone can’t quite get with the (aka “my”) program, but I have to remind myself that I was not really put on this earth to sleep my life away, or let myself get so busy with stuff that I don’t put people first; I was put on this earth to love.  That’s it. Its that easy and that hard all at the same time.

So please, for you, for me, for your children, and for mine, LOVE the day away and get up and do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next day...and let’s make the world a more beautiful place!

Love

Compassion

Acceptance 

Ecclesiastes 3:11-12

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.

Inspirational Quote:

“If you look closely at a tree you’ll notice it’s knots and dead branches, just like our bodies.  What we learn is beauty and imperfection go together wonderfully.” Matthew Fox

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,Thank You for this beautiful life! I'm so honored You chose me to walk this path.  Please help us spread Your love and open the eyes of those who cannot see the beauty that surrounds us all on so many levels. Send us into the world You created for us so that we may do Your work.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.