A Helping Hand

Yesterday morning I was getting ready for a doctor appointment when the NICU called; Baby B needed emergency abdominal surgery ASAP.  Even though there literally was nothing I could do myself to save her I was pulling (maybe flying) out of my driveway before I got off the phone with the doctor.

I drove 90 miles an hour weaving in an out of traffic (it's a good thing my guardian angels can fly faster than I can drive).  Fortunately there were no cops out, not that I would have stopped for them anyway; they could have chased me all the way to the hospital for all I cared, nothing was going to slow me down or keep me from getting to my baby one second too late.  

That's right, nothing could slow me down...except a homeless man (no, I did not hit a homeless man if that is what you're thinking).  The light was green, all I needed to do was gun it and then the hospital would be in sight, but something tugged on my heart and I hit the brake instead of the accelerator.  I've driven past beggars on the side of the road more times than I care to admit without giving them a second thought, but this man grabbed my attention.  There he was standing out in below freezing weather and he needed help.  

In that moment we were two helpless souls, but helpless doesn't equal hopeless.  I may not have been able to actually do anything to help my baby, but I could still help him so I rolled down my window and handed him all of the money I had in my wallet.  "God bless you." He said as I handed him the money.  "And God bless you." I said to him...and then I gunned it through the light.

I got to the hospital just as the doctors and nurses were prepping my tiny little baby for surgery.  She looked so sickly.  I prayed over her and kissed her tiny little forehead.  The doctors, the nurses, and the chaplain all prayed for her and then she was taken into surgery.

I was sitting in the waiting room with my husband crying quietly on the outside but wailing and screaming on the inside. I didn't understand.  She was perfectly fine two days ago, looking around an smiling (sure, it was probably just gas, but she did smile!) and then all of a sudden she was so sick. 

Our Baby B smiling!

Necrotizing Entercolitis is a disease of the intestinal tract from the organs not being fully developed.  X-rays showed that a portion of her small intestine was likely dead and if they didn't operate now her intestines would essentially burst inside her body similar to an appendix rupturing.  

I knew God was with her. I knew He would get her through the surgery, but this voice in my head kept questioning things; like, at 3 lbs 9 oz she was so tiny and fragile, how could she possibly make it through this surgery?  Could she even survive if they had to remove her entire small intestine?  What would happen to our family if we lost our youngest member? What would we tell her brother and sisters? How could my life go on without all four of my babies here with me??

The day prior when I was sitting next to little Baby B praying the medicine would heal her I asked God to send His word to me. I randomly opened my bible and my eyes went straight to the words "and the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled and they cried out in fear...But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying 'Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid...O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"  When I read those words I knew He had it covered...But she didn't get better, in fact she got worse and so I doubted.  I was helpless and now borderline hopeless.  Something had to change.  I had to start thinking of something else, something more positive, something to help me focus on faith instead of fear.

I thought of that homeless man on the side of the highway.  Maybe it wasn't just a coincidence.  Maybe God was trying to tell me something...If He could send me to offer a helping hand to this person in need in the middle of my crisis, then surely He could send the right doctors and trained medical team to care for my precious little baby.  Surely He could hold her in His hand one more time.  Surely He could save her and heal her.  

Looking back He hadn't failed us. Not. Even. Once.  Not only did He give these tiny little blessings life, He kept them safe in His hand during the TTTS surgery, He kept them safe in His hand when they became mono-mono twins, He kept them safe in His hand when my water broke at 22 weeks, He kept them safe in His hand after my placenta abruption, He kept them safe in His hand during delivery just shy of 26 weeks gestation and He has kept them safe every day so far.  Maybe He really does have the whole world in His Hands.  "O you of little faith why did you doubt?"

Baby B pulled through the surgery beautifully.  The doctors were able to remove the portion of dead intestine although it will require additional surgery to reconnect the healthy ends.  It was quite alarming to see an incision from side to side and her insides on her outside, but the doctors and nurses have assured us that she is healing quickly and beautifully.  God really does have this covered!

Baby A, who was VERY well behaved during all of this nonsense. 

I don't know why I doubt sometimes, I don't know why I worry sometimes, I don't know why I'm afraid sometimes, but I do know that if I ask for help He hears me and He answers me.  If you struggle with doubt, too take heart, you're not the only one.  Clearly, if you read the scripture, we aren't the first either.  Yet He is patient with us and will help us when we ask.  So go on, ask.  He's listening. 

Matthew 14:26-33

And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear.  But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.  But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord save me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt me?" And when they got into the boat the wind ceased.  Then those who were in the boat came and worshipped Him, saying. "Truly You are the Son of God."

Inspirational Quote:

Where there is life there is hope in miracles. ~ My Mom :)

My prayer:

Thank you Jesus for hearing me and answering my desperate pleas with Your Helping Hand.  I promise I will work on doubting my doubt and trusting You every step.  Please forgive me for fumbling. Truly You are the Son of God! 

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to give even when everything else felt impossible.  Thank you for making the impossible not only possible, but bearable.  I ask that You place Your healing hand on Baby B as well as all of her siblings and breath Your life, Your strength and Your love into their hearts.  I love You and I trust you (for real this time).  Amen.