Sweet [Joyful] Dreams

Some days, or nights rather, when I call the NICU to check on our girls before bed and I hear their tiny little cries on the other end of the phone I'm very tempted to cry myself. It is oh so easy to imagine that they are in pain or discomfort. I mean why else would they be crying? (The fact that they are babies and babies cry seems completely irrelevant in the moment.) 

I convince myself that they are in pain and suffering and I'm not there for them. "So go, you'll feel better if you tuck them in," my husband tells me...which makes me cry harder because I'm too tired to get up again after working all day, balancing my "free" time between my four children, my husband and preparing a school Valentine's Day party. I only have three hours to sleep before I need to be up again to pump so I let myself feel worse for being so tired when my babies clearly need me. I let myself wallow, I let myself cry and I let myself get angry and frustrated with our situation...all because one of my babies cried. 

Right now it is 3:30 AM and I went to bed a few hours ago down in the dumps while my husband, who knew I was upset got up, got dressed and drove to the hospital to check on them because he knew it would bring me peace of mind. (Thank you Honey, I love you.) And guess what? They were fine. Babies cry, that is what they do.

I generally use my time pumping to pray and tell God all of the things I'm thankful for, but today I let those feelings of being down in the dumps tame my heart. I was still melancholy even in my prayers and then I read this:

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1:2-4 (NLT)

It was my choice. I could spend my time and energy on a pity party or I could focus on joy, and not just joy but great joy! So I chose to think about all of the doctors and nurses, today even (or maybe that is yesterday now??) who told us how lucky we were our Baby B was safe. Despite some drainage and separation of her incision, her prognoses was good. "You're very lucky," they told us. Over and over and over again. 

Although I don't doubt that we are fortunate, I don't necessarily think it has anything to do with luck, it has to do with being loved. They/we are loved by God our Father and He is keeping them safe. He is their Protector and He is keeping them under a watchful eye. So instead of weighing down my heart with sadness, guilt and worry I'm going to go back to bed now with a much lighter heart and, with great joy, count down one more day until we can be together as a family.  I can be thankful for this opportunity to grow and develop and be perfect in His eyes.  And I can go back to sleep gladfully (is this even a word? Perhaps I really should go to sleep. Now.) knowing this is a gift and my girls are protected and we are all so so loved. Goodnight, sleep tight my little angels. I pray you have sweet and joyful dreams.

This was the view from my hospital window when I was waiting for my girls to arrive.  It brought me so much peace knowing He was there with me.  Ironically my girls' room is right under this cross.  Right now they are right where they need to be and they are right under His watchful eye.  

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for speaking Your words to me today when I needed to hear them.  Thank you for helping me refocus on the blessings you have given us.  Thank You for giving me this opportunity to focus on Your love and the great joy in my life.  Thank You for helping me develop my heart in Your name.  And thank You for keeping my babies under Your watchful and loving eye so that I can close my eyes in peace and get the rest I need right now. 

I love You and I trust You. Amen.