Right now we are just waiting for them to learn to eat; up until now they have been fed through a tube in their nose and since they haven't been drinking amniotic fluid for quite some time now they need to learn to suck, swallow and breath (in that order). It seems so simple, but watching my girls learn this new skill it is clear to me that it is not an easy task. Some days they do really well and take the whole bottle in 10 minutes some days they don't quite have the stamina to empty their bottles and some days they choke. Regardless of the end result I just love watching them try and I cheer them on as they tackle this huge obstacle. When they take a full bottle I'm thrilled and so proud. When they struggle I'm proud of their effort and when they choke I hold them so they can compose themselves and try again. The nice thing about eating every three hours is that they always have another chance to try and there will always be someone there cheering them on and patiently helping them grow.
I've come to realize that this is probably how God views us - we are his children after all. He asks us to love one another - a seemingly simple task, yet SO difficult. When we are loving, kind and obedient He is thrilled; when we struggle He is there to help us; when we choke He holds us, offers forgiveness and gives us another opportunity to try again. Every day is a new opportunity. I know I've certainly struggled these past few months and choked more times than I care to admit...Like daily and sometimes hourly.
I start the day off with the intention of being loving and kind and then I get overwhelmed or worn down. Having two kids at home and two kids in the hospital, medical bills out the wazzou, laundry x 6 people, meals to cook, dishes to do, diapers and groceries to buy, field trips to chaperone, temper tantrums to calm (sometimes my own), vomit to mop up, sibling arguments to mediate makes keeping my focus on being loving and kind so freaking difficult. Its easy to forget that is what we are called to do in that moment...which is to love. Since love is a verb this requires deliberate action...not snappy reactions, which happen to be my specialty.
Its easy to forget that trials like these are what shapes our character. Its easy to feel unnoticed and under appreciated. Its easy to choke. But just as I'm there cheering on my girls through the good feedings and the bad, our Heavenly Father is there cheering us on through our good choices and our bad ones.
My girls have no concept that if they can master the the bottle then they get to go home where there are really good things in store for them. Like a big brother and sister who can't wait to meet them. Like unsupervised snuggle-time. Like unconditional love and protection from the people who want to give it to them the most. If we can give our girls a new take on life after the NICU then what could God possibly have in store for us for mastering the art of loving even when its difficult? I think really great things. :)
Okay, okay, okay, I've given you my two-cents worth now here is what you're probably waiting for:
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Inspirational Quote:
"Feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around. You are more than the sum of your total feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift...called self control." ~ Lysa TerKeurst
My Prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,The more I think about it the more I am utterly amazed at these gifts You have given us and how perfect Your timing was saving all of us. I want to be patient and loving and kind as You have asked of me but somedays I struggle. Some days I choke and don't feel worthy, but I know if I turn I will see all the ways You love me. If I listen closely I can hear the cloud of witnesses cheering me on just as I am cheering on those around me. Thank You. Please help me to pause, turn to you to regroup and try again when my focus strays. Please help me choose love over anger, kindness over cruelty, and compassion over resentment. Please shape me into the person You created me to be, even if it is in baby steps.
Please give our girls the strength and coordination to master bottle feeding so that they may finally come home. Please help each four of my children to master each phase of their respective lives and do so with a loving hand and heart so that they, too, can grow into their full potential. Thank You for these incredible blessings and thank You for these valuable lessons. I pray that You will also be with the other families affected by TTTS in the past, the present and the future; they truly are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered, but I ask that You continue to strengthen them as well as their beloved babies here on earth and those in heaven with You. I love You and I trust You, In Jesus' name Amen.
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