Mary's Garden

Five years ago when my husband and I were expecting our first child (wow, a LOT has happened in five short years!), we took a trip to the Mediterranean and spent some time in Turkey.  It was one of those packaged tours where you follow a pre-determined itinerary.  I was looking forward to exploring the ancient city of Ephesus but on the way we made a short stop at the House of the Virgin Mary.  At the time I was not a Christian - well I celebrated Christian holidays, but I certainly didn't know Mary from Eve.

To be honest I didn't know what to make of Mary's home.  From my perspective it was just tiny, old, dark, and eerily quiet given the number of people who were there.  It seemed like everyone who was there was there because they were on a spiritual pilgrimage and there I was plopped in the middle of it somewhat disoriented and out of place.  It's not that I felt unwelcome, I just didn't know how to fully appreciate the opportunity.

The tour allowed for plenty of time to worship and pray and since I didn't really know how to do either I found myself drawn to her garden.  Compelled may be a better word.  There was just something about her garden that pulled me in in a way that I can't quite describe.  In this garden (I use the word "garden" loosely here because there really was only one flower at the time) there was a rose.  It was an absolutely stunning rose, captivatingly beautiful.  What made it spectacular was that there it was standing tall on the side of a mountain; a rough jagged mountain close to the coastal line with strong winds.  We were also in the midst of a season change with temperatures warm one minute and very cool the next yet there was, this delicate rose standing tall against a stone wall, seemingly untouchable by the winds, the sun, and the coastal weather.

I probably spent more time mesmerized by this rose than I did exploring any other part of the grounds.  In fact, I can remember being pulled back several times over the course of our visit, just staring in absolute awe of this rose.  Even though I really had no idea how to pray, I made a wish.  I wished for a family and I wished for happiness - that's it, just those two things.  That is all I wanted - lots of kids running around and a happy home.

Fast forward 5 1/2 years and here we are with four amazing children and I'd say that Mary heard my wish that day.  Our double Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) survivors were actually given names meaning "Happiness" and "Flower" - just like Mary's rose they are delicate but so amazingly strong.

Yet just like Mary's rose there are winds threatening to pull them down; winds threatening to take away our "Happiness".  One of our girls, and it doesn't matter which one, was recently diagnosed with a significant brain injury in the right hemisphere of her brain, which was the result of an in utero stroke.  I've held off on writing about this up until now mostly because I didn't understand how to interpret my own feelings.  I still don't fully know how to put this in words so please bear with me.

The news was shocking and a bit overwhelming and I kept waiting for the wave of emotion to hit like a tsunami...but nothing happened.  There was no hysteria, there were no waterworks, there was no grieving. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me that I'm not crying my eyes out over this news.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and I realized that the reason I haven't had much of a reaction is because it simply doesn't matter.  Let me repeat: It. Does. Not Matter.  I love her and nothing is going to change that fact.  Nothing about what the future might bring will scare me away; not Cerebral Palsy, not seizures, not learning disabilities, not any of the other million what-ifs our future may hold.

We love her and will do everything in our power to give her everything that she needs to stand up tall against the winds of life and all with unconditional love.  If anything when I look at her I look at her in awe, like I did that flower in Mary's garden, just captivated by her strength and beauty.  Plus Mary, who has become my go-to girl for prayer, is literally the Mother of God and she is quite the gardener so I trust her with our "Flower" and our "Happiness".

Hail Mary full of Grace.  Our Lord is with thee.  Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  Holy, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Inspirational Quote:

"Unconditional love really exists in each of us.  It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It's not 'I love you' for this or that reason, not 'I love you if you love me.' It's love for no reason, love without an object." ~ Ram Dass 

My Prayer:

Oh Mary sweet Mary, from one mother to another I thank you for hearing my "wish".  My children are my treasure just as our Lord Jesus was yours.  Please watch over all of my children and help them grow and learn and develop.  Please help our little angel baby make progress so that she may play and keep up with her brother and her sisters.  Please pray for patience for all of us so that we can allow her the time and support she needs to learn and master new skills.  Please soften the hearts of the children and teachers she will grow up with so that they can see her for the beautiful rose that she is, and not focus on the areas where she may be lacking.  Please help her feel valued and loved unconditionally.  Thank you for your love, prayer and protection. Amen.