I'm With the Band

Our little Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) survivors are really rocking it in the NICU! Eight weeks in and I have nothing but good news to report:

• Both babies have more than DOUBLED their weight! Baby A started at 1 lb 12 oz and is now 4 lbs 1 oz.  Baby B started at 2 lbs 3 oz and is now 5 lbs 2 oz (and outgrew preemie clothes btw)
• Oh, yeah, they are in clothes now!
• And in open air cribs!
• Baby B's infection in her incision is clearing up beautifully
• Both babies are weaning off their oxygen support
• Both babies are regulating their body temperatures really well
• Both babies are interacting with us during their care times
• We can pick them up by ourselves like real parents without two nurses facilitating all transfers
• Best of all...I got to hold them both at the same time yesterday, which was the first time we were all reunited in 60 days!  Thank you Jesus!!!

These little girls have really stolen the show and I've just gotten to stand back and watch them hit the high notes. We are so grateful for these tiny miracles and for all of you out there who are praying for our family.  Your prayers are being heard and answered so thank you, thank you, thank you!  I'm keeping it short today because life is crazy busy, but here are our little rockstars who want to thank you, too!

 Big brother and big sister deserve a shout out, too, for being really great about sharing mom and dad...and for making me laugh by being ultra silly!

Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.  

Psalms 107:1
O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his mercy endures forever. 

Inspirational Quote: 

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." ~ Oprah Winfrey 

My Prayer: 

Dear Heavenly Father, You have gotten us through so much these past few months that my heart feels like it could burst from all of Your love.  Thank You for being there every step of the way and thank You for giving us a reason to pause and celebrate all of the good things.  Let my words of thanks be my song for you.  

I know we are only halfway there but I also know You will continue to sustain us and give us opportunities to praise and give thanks. I am so grateful for this experience and all of the wonderful friends you have given us - both old and new, the near and the far, the believers and the nonbelievers.  May You shower your blessings on them all as You have blessed our family.  

I also pray for the many families who are currently battling TTTS and especially for those who have lost their babies to this devastating disease.  May You flood them with peace and send their little angels down to hug them.  Help them trust in Your plan. Thank You, Amen.
 

Sweet [Joyful] Dreams

Some days, or nights rather, when I call the NICU to check on our girls before bed and I hear their tiny little cries on the other end of the phone I'm very tempted to cry myself. It is oh so easy to imagine that they are in pain or discomfort. I mean why else would they be crying? (The fact that they are babies and babies cry seems completely irrelevant in the moment.) 

I convince myself that they are in pain and suffering and I'm not there for them. "So go, you'll feel better if you tuck them in," my husband tells me...which makes me cry harder because I'm too tired to get up again after working all day, balancing my "free" time between my four children, my husband and preparing a school Valentine's Day party. I only have three hours to sleep before I need to be up again to pump so I let myself feel worse for being so tired when my babies clearly need me. I let myself wallow, I let myself cry and I let myself get angry and frustrated with our situation...all because one of my babies cried. 

Right now it is 3:30 AM and I went to bed a few hours ago down in the dumps while my husband, who knew I was upset got up, got dressed and drove to the hospital to check on them because he knew it would bring me peace of mind. (Thank you Honey, I love you.) And guess what? They were fine. Babies cry, that is what they do.

I generally use my time pumping to pray and tell God all of the things I'm thankful for, but today I let those feelings of being down in the dumps tame my heart. I was still melancholy even in my prayers and then I read this:

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1:2-4 (NLT)

It was my choice. I could spend my time and energy on a pity party or I could focus on joy, and not just joy but great joy! So I chose to think about all of the doctors and nurses, today even (or maybe that is yesterday now??) who told us how lucky we were our Baby B was safe. Despite some drainage and separation of her incision, her prognoses was good. "You're very lucky," they told us. Over and over and over again. 

Although I don't doubt that we are fortunate, I don't necessarily think it has anything to do with luck, it has to do with being loved. They/we are loved by God our Father and He is keeping them safe. He is their Protector and He is keeping them under a watchful eye. So instead of weighing down my heart with sadness, guilt and worry I'm going to go back to bed now with a much lighter heart and, with great joy, count down one more day until we can be together as a family.  I can be thankful for this opportunity to grow and develop and be perfect in His eyes.  And I can go back to sleep gladfully (is this even a word? Perhaps I really should go to sleep. Now.) knowing this is a gift and my girls are protected and we are all so so loved. Goodnight, sleep tight my little angels. I pray you have sweet and joyful dreams.

This was the view from my hospital window when I was waiting for my girls to arrive.  It brought me so much peace knowing He was there with me.  Ironically my girls' room is right under this cross.  Right now they are right where they need to be and they are right under His watchful eye.  

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for speaking Your words to me today when I needed to hear them.  Thank you for helping me refocus on the blessings you have given us.  Thank You for giving me this opportunity to focus on Your love and the great joy in my life.  Thank You for helping me develop my heart in Your name.  And thank You for keeping my babies under Your watchful and loving eye so that I can close my eyes in peace and get the rest I need right now. 

I love You and I trust You. Amen. 

A Helping Hand

Yesterday morning I was getting ready for a doctor appointment when the NICU called; Baby B needed emergency abdominal surgery ASAP.  Even though there literally was nothing I could do myself to save her I was pulling (maybe flying) out of my driveway before I got off the phone with the doctor.

I drove 90 miles an hour weaving in an out of traffic (it's a good thing my guardian angels can fly faster than I can drive).  Fortunately there were no cops out, not that I would have stopped for them anyway; they could have chased me all the way to the hospital for all I cared, nothing was going to slow me down or keep me from getting to my baby one second too late.  

That's right, nothing could slow me down...except a homeless man (no, I did not hit a homeless man if that is what you're thinking).  The light was green, all I needed to do was gun it and then the hospital would be in sight, but something tugged on my heart and I hit the brake instead of the accelerator.  I've driven past beggars on the side of the road more times than I care to admit without giving them a second thought, but this man grabbed my attention.  There he was standing out in below freezing weather and he needed help.  

In that moment we were two helpless souls, but helpless doesn't equal hopeless.  I may not have been able to actually do anything to help my baby, but I could still help him so I rolled down my window and handed him all of the money I had in my wallet.  "God bless you." He said as I handed him the money.  "And God bless you." I said to him...and then I gunned it through the light.

I got to the hospital just as the doctors and nurses were prepping my tiny little baby for surgery.  She looked so sickly.  I prayed over her and kissed her tiny little forehead.  The doctors, the nurses, and the chaplain all prayed for her and then she was taken into surgery.

I was sitting in the waiting room with my husband crying quietly on the outside but wailing and screaming on the inside. I didn't understand.  She was perfectly fine two days ago, looking around an smiling (sure, it was probably just gas, but she did smile!) and then all of a sudden she was so sick. 

Our Baby B smiling!

Necrotizing Entercolitis is a disease of the intestinal tract from the organs not being fully developed.  X-rays showed that a portion of her small intestine was likely dead and if they didn't operate now her intestines would essentially burst inside her body similar to an appendix rupturing.  

I knew God was with her. I knew He would get her through the surgery, but this voice in my head kept questioning things; like, at 3 lbs 9 oz she was so tiny and fragile, how could she possibly make it through this surgery?  Could she even survive if they had to remove her entire small intestine?  What would happen to our family if we lost our youngest member? What would we tell her brother and sisters? How could my life go on without all four of my babies here with me??

The day prior when I was sitting next to little Baby B praying the medicine would heal her I asked God to send His word to me. I randomly opened my bible and my eyes went straight to the words "and the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled and they cried out in fear...But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying 'Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid...O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"  When I read those words I knew He had it covered...But she didn't get better, in fact she got worse and so I doubted.  I was helpless and now borderline hopeless.  Something had to change.  I had to start thinking of something else, something more positive, something to help me focus on faith instead of fear.

I thought of that homeless man on the side of the highway.  Maybe it wasn't just a coincidence.  Maybe God was trying to tell me something...If He could send me to offer a helping hand to this person in need in the middle of my crisis, then surely He could send the right doctors and trained medical team to care for my precious little baby.  Surely He could hold her in His hand one more time.  Surely He could save her and heal her.  

Looking back He hadn't failed us. Not. Even. Once.  Not only did He give these tiny little blessings life, He kept them safe in His hand during the TTTS surgery, He kept them safe in His hand when they became mono-mono twins, He kept them safe in His hand when my water broke at 22 weeks, He kept them safe in His hand after my placenta abruption, He kept them safe in His hand during delivery just shy of 26 weeks gestation and He has kept them safe every day so far.  Maybe He really does have the whole world in His Hands.  "O you of little faith why did you doubt?"

Baby B pulled through the surgery beautifully.  The doctors were able to remove the portion of dead intestine although it will require additional surgery to reconnect the healthy ends.  It was quite alarming to see an incision from side to side and her insides on her outside, but the doctors and nurses have assured us that she is healing quickly and beautifully.  God really does have this covered!

Baby A, who was VERY well behaved during all of this nonsense. 

I don't know why I doubt sometimes, I don't know why I worry sometimes, I don't know why I'm afraid sometimes, but I do know that if I ask for help He hears me and He answers me.  If you struggle with doubt, too take heart, you're not the only one.  Clearly, if you read the scripture, we aren't the first either.  Yet He is patient with us and will help us when we ask.  So go on, ask.  He's listening. 

Matthew 14:26-33

And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear.  But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.  But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord save me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt me?" And when they got into the boat the wind ceased.  Then those who were in the boat came and worshipped Him, saying. "Truly You are the Son of God."

Inspirational Quote:

Where there is life there is hope in miracles. ~ My Mom :)

My prayer:

Thank you Jesus for hearing me and answering my desperate pleas with Your Helping Hand.  I promise I will work on doubting my doubt and trusting You every step.  Please forgive me for fumbling. Truly You are the Son of God! 

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to give even when everything else felt impossible.  Thank you for making the impossible not only possible, but bearable.  I ask that You place Your healing hand on Baby B as well as all of her siblings and breath Your life, Your strength and Your love into their hearts.  I love You and I trust you (for real this time).  Amen.

Celebrating Rainbows

Our little Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) survivors are one month old today! Can they get a hip, hip hooray?!?

This past month has been incredibly hard but also amazingly wonderful.  Since they were born at 25 weeks 6 days gestation, life for them is really as if they were still in the womb with lots of sleeping. Except they have to breath. All day, every day.  We're really trying to get the message across to both of them that this is not a breathing optional world...and they are starting to get the message.

We truly have a lot to be thankful for and celebrate; in the past thirty days both have graduated off the nitric oxcide (yay!), both have graduated off of the ventilators (double yay!), and both are gaining weight steadily weighing in at 2 lbs 10 oz (birthweight 1 lb 12 oz) and 3 lbs 4 oz (birthweight 2 lbs 3 oz).  Both were stable enough to get PICC lines (essentially really super long IVs) to help them get extra nourishment...and, as of today, both get to say "goodbye" to their PICC lines and "hello" to fortified breast milk! Go twins! So, yes, we have a LOT to celebrate!

Being a mother of twins is such an incredible experience and I have simply fallen madly in love with both of them.  I love snuggling them.  I love changing their itty bitty little diapers.  I even love smelling them (the babies, not the diapers).   Having two at the same time I can say without a doubt that they are two VERY different people with two VERY different personalities and I will even go so far as to say that despite being identical I can easily tell them apart just by looking at them.  Baby A, our TTTS donor, is just like her daddy and can't hold still.  She is a tiny little busy body and wiggles all over the place, even in her sleep.  Baby B, our TTTS recipient, is just the opposite.  She is perfectly content laying still all day long (just like me).

Baby A with her hand wrapped around my thumb!

Snuggle time with Baby B!

Motherhood in the NICU is very different from my past experiences.  Yes, I get to kiss them, snuggle them (kangaroo-style), change their diapers and sing songs to them, but someone else gets to feed them - granted its through a tube.  If they get into a tough spot and struggle someone else gets to make it all better and someone else gets to watch over them and tuck them in at night. I have accepted that this is just the way it is right now and I know they are in good hands; I certainly couldn't do what they do for my girls...I've tried and I've just been in the way, which is hard because I'm mom and moms fix things and make them all better.

Maybe my other two kiddos have sensed this need I have to fix things and make them all better because in the past 30 days they/we have had the stomach flu, colds, conjunctivitis and broken bones. Well, one broken bone.  A toddler fracture, really.  Apparently going down a slide (even a toddler slide) on a parent's lap = Emergency Room visit.  Write that on your forehead if you have small children.  You're welcome.

Yeah, this happened.

Every time a new disaster popped up, especially the ones that kept us from seeing the girls, it was incredibly frustrating.  I just wanted an "easy button", just a pause until we could regroup and get back on our feet.  There wasn't an easy button, but I will say that through prayer I was able to accept things and choose love over anger (most of the time).

Actually the only reason I'm even sharing this is so that hopefully whomever is reading this will turn to prayer when they are looking for an easy button.  Sometimes, when it rains it pours, but that is when you need to look for a rainbow (aka God's presence and promise to us).  Looking back there was a rainbow after each one of these storms; each time we got sick our immune systems got a little stronger, and hopefully, by the time the twins come home we will be immune to everything.  Plus, the immunities pass to the babies through my milk.  Now that my daughter is home full-time with me having her in a cast has actually been a blessing; she broke her leg just a few days after I got home from the hospital and I would not have been able to keep up with her otherwise. Plus, she was never in any pain and never cried. (I can't say that I didn't.) So yes, we have a lot to celebrate!

Genesis 9:16
When I see the rainbow in the clouds I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth. 

Philippins 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Inspirational Quote:
"If you want the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain." ~ Dolly Parton

My Prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for all of the blessings You have given us, most importantly being the protection of our precious little babies.  Thank you for strengthening them and for giving our family the strength we need to get through this rainy season of our lives. 

Please place Your hand on their tiny little hearts and their tiny little brains and heal them in the places they need to be healed. Strengthen them in the places they need to be strengthened.  You know what they need and we trust You to give them what they need in Your perfect way and in Your perfect timing. Please show Your great love to all four of my children, comfort them, and protect them. We love You and we trust You. Amen.

Happy Birthday!

It has been a week now since I heard the most magical sound of my life; it was delicate and light yet full of strength and life.  It was the sound of one of my babies crying; a sound I didn't expect to hear at 25 weeks 6 days gestation, but there it was clear as a bell!  Baby A, our Twin-to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) donor, came out first at 1 pound 12 ounces letting the whole world know she was here.  She was followed just one minute later by her sister, our TTTS recipient, at 2 pounds 3 ounces who was quiet but equally as strong.  Each of them so tiny, but each of them nothing short of miraculous.  

Introducing Baby A! (We have chosen to keep their names private on public sites)

Introducing Baby B!

At 1 lb 12 oz and 2 lbs 3 oz, respectively, they truly are tiny.  Absolute perfection, just itsy bitsy.

I wasn't expecting them to be born that soon and I really wanted to keep them inside me a little longer.  I argued with the doctor trying to squeeze out at least one more day, but she wanted me to be around to be a wife to my husband and a mother to all four of my beautiful children so she wouldn't take "no" for an answer. As much as I wanted to protect them, I knew she was right.  All I could do was trust God and His perfect timing.

As it turned out, His timing truly was no less than perfect; Baby A had the cord wrapped around her neck and with no amniotic fluid to make her weightless it was causing her quite a bit of trouble.  There was also a massive clot floating around from all of the internal bleeding which could have taken all three of us out at any given moment, so yes, it was perfect timing.

God had also heard my prayers and gave us two babies born alive, healthy, strong and stable...and he added "feisty" to the mix, perhaps to make sure I knew He was there; in the past week both of our girls have earned, and rightfully so, the reputation among the doctors and nurses as being feisty.  Feisty is good (granted I'm not the one trying to maneuver tiny tubes or change their diapers!).  Feisty means they are strong.  Feisty means they are tiny little warriors protected by God's holy armor.

Such personalities! One of our early ultrasounds with Baby B all stretched out...on her sister's head who was curled up in a tight little ball.

Our Baby B all stretched out in the sun (or bili light)...

Our Baby A curled up in a tight little ball...somethings just don't change!

Over the past week in the NICU they have had more ups than downs.  Both needed considerable support breathing and started off with nitric oxcide, but both graduated down to oxygen support and then down to room air and are each working very hard on their own to breathe above their ventilators.  They each hung out for a few days under the bili light which finally was turned off today.  They also just started on colostrum care and appear to be very good eaters.  Baby B has a heart murmur and is on her second round of medication to help her heart function normally.  Baby A has had a blood transfusion and is getting a second one today.   It is a two steps forward, one step backwards dance, but they are still charging forward.

This has been such a joyous and terrifying experience.  I love them both with all of my heart and soul and knowing that God loves them even more than I do has helped bring me peace during the scary times.  I have complete faith and trust in Him to protect these precious little babies and make their paths smooth and I'm looking forward to bringing them both home (in about 4 months) to start the next chapter of our lives.

Thank you everyone who has been praying for these little lives.  Scripture tells us that whenever there are two or more people praying asking for the same thing it will be done for them, so I ask that you please join me in saying the prayer below.

Matthew 18:19-20

Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them.

Mark 11:23

Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, "Go, throw yourself into the sea," and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.  

Inspirational Quote:

First two became one, and then with God's blessing, one became two. ~ Me

My Prayer:

Dear God, I know You can do anything because You already have; You took one baby and turned it into two tiny miracles.  Thank You.  You have protected these little lives every step of the way through this journey and You have delivered them into this world equipped with the strength, courage and love they would need to survive.  Thank You.  
There truly is nothing you cannot do so I ask with complete faith and trust, without any doubt in my heart, that You take this mountain of obstacles which lies ahead of both of these babies and you throw it into the sea leaving their path smooth so that they may thrive not just survive.  Thank You for Your bountiful blessings, thank You for your endless love, and thank You for Your unwavering protection.  I love You and I trust You.  In Jesus' Name Amen. 

An Abrupt Interruption

I had big plans for Christmas.  Well, as big of plans one can have on full bed rest in the hospital...the morning would start off with watching my kids open their Christmas presents via FaceTime, it was shower day (when this only happens once every 4 days it is cause enough for celebration), and best of all, I was going to get to see my family!

It was 1:00 AM on Christmas morning and I had just finished my nightly mid-night protein infusion when I looked out the window of my hospital room thinking that the only thing that could make this day better would be if it were a white Christmas.

Two minutes later I got a white Christmas, it just was not the kind I was hoping for...a nurse ran into my room.  "Roll over!" she said, "Turn to your side." I rolled.  She moved the monitors this way and that, but I had no idea what was happening.  "It's not working.  Code White!"

Now I had no idea what a Code White was, but I had watched enough Grey's Anatomy to know that  if the the medical staff is speaking in codes, it wasn't a good sign.  Throughout the day and night I heard the code announcements over the loud speakers and every time I heard one I knew someone was in trouble so I stopped whatever I was doing to say a little prayer for them, whomever they were and whatever was happening.  It never occurred to me that I might actually be in a situation similar to the ones Dr. McDreamy might respond to on TV.

Within seconds there was a second nurse with an oxygen machine and seconds after that three doctors moving me this way and that trying to track the babies' heartbeats.  Baby A had a major deceleration; her heartbeat is usually 155-165 per minute and it had dropped to 70 for several minutes.

Finally, they got her heartbeat to stabilize and one by on the doctors and nurses left my room turning off the light on their way out.  You know, so I could sleep.  Riiiight.  I lay there as still as I possible could be and just listened to the babies' heartbeats on the monitor trying to listen for another decel.

As I was laying there I felt a tremendous gush of fluid.  I hit the nurse's call button on my bed and the nurse helped me get out of bed, both of us expecting it to be a loss of amniotic fluid...but when I stood up my bed was covered in blood...and so was I.  Again, it looked like a scene out of a TV show.

So less than an hour from my first Code White (which, btw is a maternal/fetal emergency) I got a second (one for each baby I suppose).   I swear I turned around and my room was full of even more doctors and a stretcher.  Merry Christmas!

I was rushed into Labor and Delivery and was soon being poked and prodded in every direction from a full medical team.  It was determined we had a placental abruption which is a very serious condition where the placenta separated from the uterine wall.  In our case only partially, but could still deprive the babies of oxygen and nutrients and cause severe bleeding.

Surprisingly the babies' heart rates remained steady.  Since the babies didn't seem to be affected and I wasn't in active labor the high risk doctor on call decided to keep me pregnant.  I was the one bleeding not the babies and at 25 weeks gestation it was better for them if I stayed pregnant and received blood transfusions as necessary.  Just to be safe I wasn't allowed food or fluids, just an IV. I wasn't about to argue, I was not ready to give up being pregnant!

I was however, ready to argue with the nurses when they wanted me to walk to the bathroom unassisted.  With the loss of blood, fluids, and all of the muscle (from being on bed rest for 10 weeks) I was panting and needed to sit down before I walked to the end of my bed.  I asked for a wheelchair and they agreed but only used it for me to take breaks - I had to get back up and walk the whole way.  I protested, I whined, I argued.  If all this had happened while I was being still what was going to happen if I pushed myself too far?

I'll tell you what happened - I passed out into my nurse.  That was a miserable experience and I spent the rest of the day dry heaving into a bucket with a wet towel on my face with my temperature climbing.  Again, Merry Christmas!

"You're weak." the nurse told me.  That stung.  I knew she meant I was physically weak, but it felt like a personal attack on my endurance.  I wanted nothing more than to stay pregnant!  Then the shift supervisor came in, "You're weak." She said, and for twenty minutes went on to tell me I was young, I should have no problem getting to the bathroom or showering on my own.  "You need to at least try." She said...as I was dry heaving.  I wanted to yell and shout and scream, what do you mean try??? All I had been doing since October was try everything I could to stay pregnant! I would do anything I could, but I didn't see how pushing myself to fainting was going to help keep the babies inside of me.  Fortunately my husband intervened on my behalf and insisted that I be able to eat or drink something before I was expected to get out of bed again...but even he wanted me to try; if I didn't show an effort they may not give me the option of staying pregnant for my own safety.

The next morning I was grateful to still be pregnant and I said a prayer thanking God and asking Him to help me release some of the negativity I was still harboring against those bullies.   I was so angry and hateful toward them, I just seethed with bitterness towards everyone who walked through my door and it was poisoning me.  So...I tried getting out of bed and I gave it my all and I did great! I only stopped to rest once roundtrip! But I had a new nurse and she didn't recognize the effort I had made.  "You're weak." She said.  I was crushed. And then I snapped.

"I. AM. NOT. WEAK!!! I am doing the best that I can.  Look at my file, I have been fighting for these babies for months and I assure you, I am not weak!" I yelled and I lost my temper on this poor soul.  Probably not the reaction God had in mind...or maybe He did because afterwards I felt terrible and recognized I had to make some changes; it was my own choices leaving this horribly bitter flavor in my mouth.  I had to change the path I was on.  Yes, this was probably the most intense emotional and physical challenge I had ever experienced, but it was not okay for me to take out my feelings on other people, especially other people who are trying to help me.

So I swallowed that bitterness and I apologized.  She accepted my apology and was a little more helpful and empathetic for the rest of her shift.  As the nurses changed guard and my physical strength was mentioned my emotional strength was also tested; I tried my very best to be kind and gracious and not take offense (or yell, or scream, or shout).  Oh I wanted to, very much actually, but I knew it would leave me feeling empty not vindicated.  I had to intentionally manually (and repeatedly) override these emotions.  I would not and will not let this experience taint me.

Sometimes life is just too much and everything is outside of our control...everything except our attitudes and responses; those we very much control and make the difference between making or breaking us.  It's not easy, but its also never too late to redirect and get on the right path.

John 15:1-2

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser, Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes that it may bear more fruit.

John 15:5

I am the vine and you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

Inspirational Quote:

"Be soft.  Do not let the world make you hard.  Do not let pain make you hate.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place." ~ Kurt Vonnegut

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,Please forgive me for harboring such bitterness in my heart toward your other children. Please help me release this negativity and choose love over hate so that I may bear fruit that is sweet to Your lips.  Please help me preserve sweetness over bitterness in my heart and embrace this pruning process so that I may bear more fruit for You.  Thank you for Your tender love and grace. Amen.

Lost and Found: The Perfect Christmas

The Christmas season certainly brings about a certain excitement; there are all of the festive decorations, cheerful greeting cards, fancy cookies of every kind, Santa, reindeer, and white fluffy snow.  Then of course there is the shopping for the perfect presents, cutting down the perfect tree and posing for the perfect family photo to capture all of the perfect family memories.  Sometimes the the joy gets tainted by the tremendous pressure to make everything perfect.

But do you think giving birth to Baby Jesus in a manger surrounded by animals in a city away from home was Mary's idea of a "perfect" birth?  Doubtful.  But it was God's plan and it truly was perfection; it was the perfect harmony of joy, sacrifice and unconditional love.

That is still the recipe for the perfect Christmas; families should share in the joy of the Christmas miracle together, they should make some sacrifices by giving to those in need, and they should demonstrate unconditional love to one another.

Yet we're greedy (or at least I am) and want that whipped cream and cherry on top of our eggnog; we want just the right tree from just the right farm;  we want that adorable family photo to post on Facebook; we want the 16 different types of cookies (which later we will hate ourselves for eating)..so we cling to tradition.  We allow tradition to replace the key ingredients of joy, sacrifice and unconditional love and then we're surprised when its missing a certain flavor.

When the fact that I would be in the hospital for Christmas sunk in I was crushed.  I focused on what I would be missing, what my husband would be missing, and what my kids would be missing. I cried over the tree I wouldn't get to help pick out, I cried over the cookies I wouldn't get to bake, I cried over my kids opening their presents without me.  It was a full blown pity party.  I even asked the doctor if he would grant a 24-hour furlough, as if I were a prisoner requesting to make up my time after Christmas Day (he said no). I was cheapening the gift of Christmas by focusing on the celebration of tradition (or lack thereof) rather than the celebration of the greatest gift ever received by mankind - the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior!

Admittedly, it took me a while to digest what an honor it really is to be in this situation.  It gives me a certain affinity with Mary to be with child (in my case, two) and to have my future so squarely in God's very capable hands.  I don't know what my future will bring, but neither did Mary. Instead of focusing on all of the things that weren't "right" she basked in the joy of motherhood, she willingly made the sacrifice of carrying this precious child and she did it all with unconditional love, trust and faith. Mary paved the way and set the bar high; so high above my head I didn't see it at first.

My family can still have a great Christmas, we just have to refocus on the gifts we are receiving instead of what we're not getting, because the gifts we're getting this year are far more precious than anything we could find at a mall or under the tree.  This year our family has been blessed with the joyful spontaneous miracle of two babies; we have been blessed with the heavenly protection of their fragile little lives; we have been blessed with the test and triumph of faith over and over again;  we have been blessed with the opportunity to show and be shown unconditional love to each other and to our Heavenly Father....which can only be summed up as the perfect Christmas!

Plus, I have an amazing husband and a very supportive family who have given my kids a taste of our family traditions, too. Plus I will still get to witness the joy on my precious little children's faces as they open their gifts from Santa...just on FaceTime.  Maybe, just maybe, if everyone is germ-free, we can be together for the day in my hospital "hotel".  Yes, regardless of the disruption to our traditions, it will certainly be a very merry Christmas for the Sommer Family this year!

Joy, sacrifice and unconditional love....all under our tree.  

If your holiday season is missing the flavor of Christmas this year consider stepping back from all of the white noise and re-evaluate the roots of your traditions; are they focused on the true gift of Christmas or superficial perfectionism? If you've gotten caught up in the hustle and bustle ask God for a new birth for you and your family through the birth of His Son so you can experience His best gift ever.


James 1:17 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

Inspirational Quote:

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree". ~ Roy L. Smith

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank You for the perfect Christmas gift. Thank You for being patient with me and helping me see beyond traditions.  I lack nothing and I have been blessed with the most precious gifts.  As we celebrate the joyous birth of Your Son, and I wait patiently for the birth of my daughters, I ask for a new birth within my heart so that I may rise about my selfish inclinations and fully embrace the joy, sacrifice and unconditional love You have given to our world. Please also keep my darling little lovelies healthy so I can hug and kiss them on this very special day. Thank You! Amen.