Finding Adventures in Detours

Our eldest child, our son, was born right smack dab on our wedding anniversary. That day was such an incredible celebration that we decided the only way we could top the next year was to do something big for all of us. That "something big" was a trip to Russia. 

You might think we were crazy to take a 12 month old on such a trip but we are always up for new experiences and adventure. We were also very prepared. To mitigate the risk of unpleasant layovers or delays and being trapped in an airport with a baby we drove 4 hours to Chicago. We carefully selected an international flight that would align well with nap times. We made arrangements for a car service to pick us (and our 10 bags. Yes, 10 bags. No, I'm not joking.) up at the airport and drive us to the port town outside of London where we would embark on our cruise the next day. We prepaid all of our excursions eliminating the need for cash. We called our credit cards with the dates and locations of our cruise ports. We had thought of everything.

Everything went perfectly according to our plan. Well, until it didn't...when we arrived at the hotel after several days of traveling with a tiny companion there was a message waiting for us with our keys - the cruise ship had caught on fire and was stuck at sea. The trip was cancelled. We were screwed; we had no money, we had no access to our credit cards, we couldn't call our credit cards without paying to use the phone, our phones didn't work internationally and Gmail was down (when does that ever happen??) so we had no way of notifying anyone who might be able to help us of our predicament. We had no food (other than pumped breast milk) and no return flight for another two weeks. Oh, and we had a baby. And 10 bags.

We had no idea where we were going to sleep, where our next meal would come from or what we would do, but guess what? We weren't alone - there were hundreds of people in our same predicament. Maybe not traveling with a baby, but still the same. 

Some of them immediately became victims and those victims became angry and those angry victims wanted justice; they grouped together and plotted about how they would contact the local media and tell the whole world how awful it was to be them. I've got to say it was pretty awful to be them; they were so busy getting their revenge that they didn't stop to think about other ways they could be spending their vacation. 

Some people were so worried about how they were going to eat that they were too worried to eat when food was provided. Some people were calm (I'd say we fell into this category) and some people were...wait for it...happy. Yes, their plans were shot to hell but they still found a way to be happy and if they could find a way to be happy then so could we!

We negotiated an alternative cruise to the Mediterranean five days later and in the meantime bounced around hotels and cities and even countries courtesy of the cruise line.  We may not have had any money or any say in where we were going but we could certainly control how we spend those "thought" hours and use them to figure out how we could make the best of a less than ideal situation. 

Fortunately the car service we used to get from the airport to our hotel took a risk on us that we would work out payment so every day we took a new unexpected adventure. We even told the driver at one point to just surprise us and take us some place new and unique - and he did - so we saw some really great places and got to experience some really great food...all because we threw our doubts, fears and reservations to the wind. Or out to sea.

Our perfectly planned nap schedule was shot, our clothes were not weather appropriate, we lost all but one precious binkie (if you have small children you know how serious this is), we were tired (and tired or carrying a mountain of bags) but with positive attitudes and determination we turned this unexpected cancellation into a detour and the detour into an adventure. Eventually we made it to Russia...just a year later. 

Not Russia

Definitely not Russia

Finally Russia!

We recently encountered another unexpected detour in life that I know will certainly call us to have that same positive attitude and determination; last week we were absolutely stunned by the news that our Baby B was completely and permanently deaf in both ears.   

Although it is impossible to tell what caused this, it was likely the antibiotics she needed after getting E. Coli infections in her incision after both of her surgeries for NEC.  It would be easy to allow myself to be angry with the hospital and doctors for the infections, but it would be wrong.  It would be easy to allow myself to be angry with God for taking away her hearing after everything else she had been through, but that would also be wrong.  Two wrongs don't make a right.

It has been nearly a week now and although I still have my moments of emotion, I've discovered through leaning on God's understanding rather than my own that everything happens for a reason.  I don't know why this happened, but He does.  He gave us these precious babies just as He gave us our two older treasures.  Each child was chosen for us.  Each child was given to us and each child is a blessing.  

What has really brought me peace is recognizing that He also gave us to them.  There was something He saw in us that made us a perfect match for them and He has given us everything we need to provide for each of them individually and collectively.  He knows we will do everything possible to give them the best opportunities.  He knows we have an incredible support system with a loving grandmother and great aunt among others.  He knows she will not walk this alone.  He knows we will turn this new path in our lives into a detour and this detour into an adventure just as we know He will give us everything we need in order to do so.  She is a special girl but not because of her special needs - she is an over comer. She will overcome this setback just as she has so many (far too many for such a tiny little baby IMO).  She will learn to speak and share her story someday - this is just a detour in her path not the end of the road.

Our precious Baby B - we will do whatever it takes to help you get to "Russia"

This is the first time I have publicly shared this information so if this is the first time you're hearing of this please do not offer your condolences - it is what I thought I wanted to hear but I don't; they only weigh us down and if I've learned anything it is the importance of packing light.  Instead, please pray for our family and wish us the best of luck on this new adventure!

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke us easy and my burden is light.

Inspirational Quote:

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. ~ Helen Keller

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

My heart broke for my little girl and yet you hold the pieces in your very capable hands; I trust you with the pieces of my heart.  I trust you with the plans you have for my family.  I trust good to come out of this pain and discomfort.  Please help me keep my focus on you and of the good that will come out of this.  Please help me see the blessings you have given us and those which are yet to come and please don't let me get distracted by the things that do not matter.  Father, I know that what matters is that my children - all of them - grow up surrounded by love; love is something you feel not hear so please help our Baby B feel your love and mine.  I pray that she is a good candidate for cochlear implants so that she may one day hear my voice and the voices of her father, her brother and her sisters.  More importantly I pray that she hears your voice in her heart.

I pray that you guide our choices in her care and development.  I pray that she will not be labeled and if she is, I pray that she knows she is more than a label.  I pray for her brother and sisters that they may all love one another equally as we do and in the process be more empathetic to the needs of those around them in any and all situations. Thank you for this detour; I may not be able to see where we are going, but I trust it will not only be great when we get there but great getting there as well. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Home Stretch

God is good! God is very, very good!  I have a baby in my arms. On my couch.  At home. Did ya catch that? At home!!!

Baby B, our TTTS recipient, came home after 110 days in the NICU weighing a whopping 7 lbs 10 oz (birth weight was 2 lbs 3 oz)!!!  Jesus kept her safe through NEC, two surgeries and all of the other hurdles she's overcome just by being a micro preemie.  Pretty amazing stuff if you ask me.

She isn't the only one familiar with the OR though; her sister, Baby A, decided she wanted a really cool NICU battle scar, too, so she developed pulmonary hypertension (high blood pressure in her lungs) resulting from a large opening in her heart (patent ductus arteriosus) which needed to be surgically closed.  The hypertension developed quickly and she didn't love the medication much.  At fist we were told she would need to be transported to a different hospital within 24 hours.   Fortunately they were able to find an available surgeon (apparently they get called into all day emergency surgeries a lot) and an OR that met our criteria (apparently they have to be kept at a higher temperature for preemies) a day later so she was able to have the surgery at our hospital.

Having two kids in two different hospitals and two at home probably would have been enough to push this momma over the edge.  It was hard.  Really, really hard.  On top of it all I was sick with a nasty upper respiratory infection and the thing about having a baby with lung problems is that you can't be around them with upper respiratory infections.  There were definitely some moments during this that I was really mad at God for not letting me see my girls.  (That's right, it was His fault.)  It felt like He didn't really love me, I mean if He did, then why would He let me get so sick so I couldn't be with my baby when she was so sick?  Fortunately He didn't hold a grudge and changed my heart from focusing on the love I wasn't feeling to how much I knew He loved my little Baby A.  She is His baby, too, and He loves her more than I ever could.  Focusing on His love for her brought so much peace.  And you wanna know what?  The trouble we had locating a surgeon and an operating room gave me the extra day I needed to get better and see my precious baby before her surgery.  She is recovering quickly so hopefully she will be able to come home, too, very soon.  Yes, God is good. :)

Here are just a few of the ways God has been good to us since my last post:

Baby A recovering beautifully from surgery - without O2 support!!! 

Baby A doesn't look too thrilled about sharing. Such is life when you're a twin sweet thing. 

....And this is why I have to dress in layers. #drool #soworthit

Life at home keeps going!

....and going...(Yuck! Snake worm - this is why God gave me 3 girls!)

"Is she for real? Can I kiss her?" ~ Big brother

"Nose." ~ Big sister

Very happy to be home!

Colossians 3:1-2

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

Psalm 30:11-12

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Inspirational Quote:

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." ~ Joseph Campbell

My Prayer:

Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus!  Thank you for your never ending love; thank you for your forgiveness; thank you for your presence; thank you for your perfect timing; thank you for your bountiful blessings.  Thank you my Lord Jesus for helping Baby A get the surgery she needed and for helping me get better all according to your perfect plan.  Thank you for the doctors and nurses who have taken such excellent care of our girls helping them grow and develop so that they may come home.  Please help Baby B continue to thrive at home, please help her brother and sister adjust quickly and please help Baby A continue to make progress so she can come home as well.  I also ask that you strengthen the other families we have met along the way with babies fighting just as hard as ours.  We know you love them as you love our children.  Thank you, in your name Amen. 

Mary's Garden

Five years ago when my husband and I were expecting our first child (wow, a LOT has happened in five short years!), we took a trip to the Mediterranean and spent some time in Turkey.  It was one of those packaged tours where you follow a pre-determined itinerary.  I was looking forward to exploring the ancient city of Ephesus but on the way we made a short stop at the House of the Virgin Mary.  At the time I was not a Christian - well I celebrated Christian holidays, but I certainly didn't know Mary from Eve.

To be honest I didn't know what to make of Mary's home.  From my perspective it was just tiny, old, dark, and eerily quiet given the number of people who were there.  It seemed like everyone who was there was there because they were on a spiritual pilgrimage and there I was plopped in the middle of it somewhat disoriented and out of place.  It's not that I felt unwelcome, I just didn't know how to fully appreciate the opportunity.

The tour allowed for plenty of time to worship and pray and since I didn't really know how to do either I found myself drawn to her garden.  Compelled may be a better word.  There was just something about her garden that pulled me in in a way that I can't quite describe.  In this garden (I use the word "garden" loosely here because there really was only one flower at the time) there was a rose.  It was an absolutely stunning rose, captivatingly beautiful.  What made it spectacular was that there it was standing tall on the side of a mountain; a rough jagged mountain close to the coastal line with strong winds.  We were also in the midst of a season change with temperatures warm one minute and very cool the next yet there was, this delicate rose standing tall against a stone wall, seemingly untouchable by the winds, the sun, and the coastal weather.

I probably spent more time mesmerized by this rose than I did exploring any other part of the grounds.  In fact, I can remember being pulled back several times over the course of our visit, just staring in absolute awe of this rose.  Even though I really had no idea how to pray, I made a wish.  I wished for a family and I wished for happiness - that's it, just those two things.  That is all I wanted - lots of kids running around and a happy home.

Fast forward 5 1/2 years and here we are with four amazing children and I'd say that Mary heard my wish that day.  Our double Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) survivors were actually given names meaning "Happiness" and "Flower" - just like Mary's rose they are delicate but so amazingly strong.

Yet just like Mary's rose there are winds threatening to pull them down; winds threatening to take away our "Happiness".  One of our girls, and it doesn't matter which one, was recently diagnosed with a significant brain injury in the right hemisphere of her brain, which was the result of an in utero stroke.  I've held off on writing about this up until now mostly because I didn't understand how to interpret my own feelings.  I still don't fully know how to put this in words so please bear with me.

The news was shocking and a bit overwhelming and I kept waiting for the wave of emotion to hit like a tsunami...but nothing happened.  There was no hysteria, there were no waterworks, there was no grieving. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me that I'm not crying my eyes out over this news.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and I realized that the reason I haven't had much of a reaction is because it simply doesn't matter.  Let me repeat: It. Does. Not Matter.  I love her and nothing is going to change that fact.  Nothing about what the future might bring will scare me away; not Cerebral Palsy, not seizures, not learning disabilities, not any of the other million what-ifs our future may hold.

We love her and will do everything in our power to give her everything that she needs to stand up tall against the winds of life and all with unconditional love.  If anything when I look at her I look at her in awe, like I did that flower in Mary's garden, just captivated by her strength and beauty.  Plus Mary, who has become my go-to girl for prayer, is literally the Mother of God and she is quite the gardener so I trust her with our "Flower" and our "Happiness".

Hail Mary full of Grace.  Our Lord is with thee.  Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  Holy, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Inspirational Quote:

"Unconditional love really exists in each of us.  It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It's not 'I love you' for this or that reason, not 'I love you if you love me.' It's love for no reason, love without an object." ~ Ram Dass 

My Prayer:

Oh Mary sweet Mary, from one mother to another I thank you for hearing my "wish".  My children are my treasure just as our Lord Jesus was yours.  Please watch over all of my children and help them grow and learn and develop.  Please help our little angel baby make progress so that she may play and keep up with her brother and her sisters.  Please pray for patience for all of us so that we can allow her the time and support she needs to learn and master new skills.  Please soften the hearts of the children and teachers she will grow up with so that they can see her for the beautiful rose that she is, and not focus on the areas where she may be lacking.  Please help her feel valued and loved unconditionally.  Thank you for your love, prayer and protection. Amen.

Baby Steps

Our girls just celebrated their three-month birthday!!! We are finally in the home stretch, but likely have another month ahead of us until both girls are home from the NICU.  We are very fortunate that Baby B's second surgery went well and both girls are stable.

Right now we are just waiting for them to learn to eat; up until now they have been fed through a tube in their nose and since they haven't been drinking amniotic fluid for quite some time now they need to learn to suck, swallow and breath (in that order).  It seems so simple, but watching my girls learn this new skill it is clear to me that it is not an easy task.  Some days they do really well and take the whole bottle in 10 minutes some days they don't quite have the stamina to empty their bottles and some days they choke.  Regardless of the end result I just love watching them try and I cheer them on as they tackle this huge obstacle.  When they take a full bottle I'm thrilled and so proud.  When they struggle I'm proud of their effort and when they choke I hold them so they can compose themselves and try again.  The nice thing about eating every three hours is that they always have another chance to try and there will always be someone there cheering them on and patiently helping them grow.

I've come to realize that this is probably how God views us - we are his children after all.  He asks us to love one another - a seemingly simple task, yet SO difficult.  When we are loving, kind and obedient He is thrilled; when we struggle He is there to help us; when we choke He holds us, offers forgiveness and gives us another opportunity to try again.  Every day is a new opportunity.  I know I've certainly struggled these past few months and choked more times than I care to admit...Like daily and sometimes hourly.

I start the day off with the intention of being loving and kind and then I get overwhelmed or worn down.  Having two kids at home and two kids in the hospital, medical bills out the wazzou, laundry x 6 people, meals to cook, dishes to do, diapers and groceries to buy, field trips to chaperone, temper tantrums to calm (sometimes my own), vomit to mop up, sibling arguments to mediate makes keeping my focus on being loving and kind so freaking difficult.  Its easy to forget that is what we are called to do in that moment...which is to love. Since love is a verb this requires deliberate action...not snappy reactions, which happen to be my specialty.

Its easy to forget that trials like these are what shapes our character.  Its easy to feel unnoticed and under appreciated.  Its easy to choke.  But just as I'm there cheering on my girls through the good feedings and the bad, our Heavenly Father is there cheering us on through our good choices and our bad ones.

My girls have no concept that if they can master the the bottle then they get to go home where there are really good things in store for them. Like a big brother and sister who can't wait to meet them.  Like unsupervised snuggle-time.  Like unconditional love and protection from the people who want to give it to them the most.  If we can give our girls a new take on life after the NICU then what could God possibly have in store for us for mastering the art of loving even when its difficult?  I think really great things. :)

Okay, okay, okay, I've given you my two-cents worth now here is what you're probably waiting for:

Matthew 7:11

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 


Inspirational Quote:

"Feelings are indicators, not dictators.  They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around.  You are more than the sum of your total feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift...called self control." ~ Lysa TerKeurst

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,The more I think about it the more I am utterly amazed at these gifts You have given us and how perfect Your timing was saving all of us.  I want to be patient and loving and kind as You have asked of me but somedays I struggle.  Some days I choke and don't feel worthy, but I know if I turn I will see all the ways You love me.  If I listen closely I can hear the cloud of witnesses cheering me on just as I am cheering on those around me.  Thank You.  Please help me to pause, turn to you to regroup and try again when my focus strays.  Please help me choose love over anger, kindness over cruelty, and compassion over resentment.  Please shape me into the person You created me to be, even if it is in baby steps. 

Please give our girls the strength and coordination to master bottle feeding so that they may finally come home.  Please help each four of my children to master each phase of their respective lives and do so with a loving hand and heart so that they, too, can grow into their full potential.  Thank You for these incredible blessings and thank You for these valuable lessons.  I pray that You will also be with the other families affected by TTTS in the past, the present and the future; they truly are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered, but I ask that You continue to strengthen them as well as their beloved babies here on earth and those in heaven with You. I love You and I trust You, In Jesus' name Amen. 

I'm With the Band

Our little Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) survivors are really rocking it in the NICU! Eight weeks in and I have nothing but good news to report:

• Both babies have more than DOUBLED their weight! Baby A started at 1 lb 12 oz and is now 4 lbs 1 oz.  Baby B started at 2 lbs 3 oz and is now 5 lbs 2 oz (and outgrew preemie clothes btw)
• Oh, yeah, they are in clothes now!
• And in open air cribs!
• Baby B's infection in her incision is clearing up beautifully
• Both babies are weaning off their oxygen support
• Both babies are regulating their body temperatures really well
• Both babies are interacting with us during their care times
• We can pick them up by ourselves like real parents without two nurses facilitating all transfers
• Best of all...I got to hold them both at the same time yesterday, which was the first time we were all reunited in 60 days!  Thank you Jesus!!!

These little girls have really stolen the show and I've just gotten to stand back and watch them hit the high notes. We are so grateful for these tiny miracles and for all of you out there who are praying for our family.  Your prayers are being heard and answered so thank you, thank you, thank you!  I'm keeping it short today because life is crazy busy, but here are our little rockstars who want to thank you, too!

 Big brother and big sister deserve a shout out, too, for being really great about sharing mom and dad...and for making me laugh by being ultra silly!

Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.  

Psalms 107:1
O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his mercy endures forever. 

Inspirational Quote: 

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." ~ Oprah Winfrey 

My Prayer: 

Dear Heavenly Father, You have gotten us through so much these past few months that my heart feels like it could burst from all of Your love.  Thank You for being there every step of the way and thank You for giving us a reason to pause and celebrate all of the good things.  Let my words of thanks be my song for you.  

I know we are only halfway there but I also know You will continue to sustain us and give us opportunities to praise and give thanks. I am so grateful for this experience and all of the wonderful friends you have given us - both old and new, the near and the far, the believers and the nonbelievers.  May You shower your blessings on them all as You have blessed our family.  

I also pray for the many families who are currently battling TTTS and especially for those who have lost their babies to this devastating disease.  May You flood them with peace and send their little angels down to hug them.  Help them trust in Your plan. Thank You, Amen.
 

Sweet [Joyful] Dreams

Some days, or nights rather, when I call the NICU to check on our girls before bed and I hear their tiny little cries on the other end of the phone I'm very tempted to cry myself. It is oh so easy to imagine that they are in pain or discomfort. I mean why else would they be crying? (The fact that they are babies and babies cry seems completely irrelevant in the moment.) 

I convince myself that they are in pain and suffering and I'm not there for them. "So go, you'll feel better if you tuck them in," my husband tells me...which makes me cry harder because I'm too tired to get up again after working all day, balancing my "free" time between my four children, my husband and preparing a school Valentine's Day party. I only have three hours to sleep before I need to be up again to pump so I let myself feel worse for being so tired when my babies clearly need me. I let myself wallow, I let myself cry and I let myself get angry and frustrated with our situation...all because one of my babies cried. 

Right now it is 3:30 AM and I went to bed a few hours ago down in the dumps while my husband, who knew I was upset got up, got dressed and drove to the hospital to check on them because he knew it would bring me peace of mind. (Thank you Honey, I love you.) And guess what? They were fine. Babies cry, that is what they do.

I generally use my time pumping to pray and tell God all of the things I'm thankful for, but today I let those feelings of being down in the dumps tame my heart. I was still melancholy even in my prayers and then I read this:

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1:2-4 (NLT)

It was my choice. I could spend my time and energy on a pity party or I could focus on joy, and not just joy but great joy! So I chose to think about all of the doctors and nurses, today even (or maybe that is yesterday now??) who told us how lucky we were our Baby B was safe. Despite some drainage and separation of her incision, her prognoses was good. "You're very lucky," they told us. Over and over and over again. 

Although I don't doubt that we are fortunate, I don't necessarily think it has anything to do with luck, it has to do with being loved. They/we are loved by God our Father and He is keeping them safe. He is their Protector and He is keeping them under a watchful eye. So instead of weighing down my heart with sadness, guilt and worry I'm going to go back to bed now with a much lighter heart and, with great joy, count down one more day until we can be together as a family.  I can be thankful for this opportunity to grow and develop and be perfect in His eyes.  And I can go back to sleep gladfully (is this even a word? Perhaps I really should go to sleep. Now.) knowing this is a gift and my girls are protected and we are all so so loved. Goodnight, sleep tight my little angels. I pray you have sweet and joyful dreams.

This was the view from my hospital window when I was waiting for my girls to arrive.  It brought me so much peace knowing He was there with me.  Ironically my girls' room is right under this cross.  Right now they are right where they need to be and they are right under His watchful eye.  

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for speaking Your words to me today when I needed to hear them.  Thank you for helping me refocus on the blessings you have given us.  Thank You for giving me this opportunity to focus on Your love and the great joy in my life.  Thank You for helping me develop my heart in Your name.  And thank You for keeping my babies under Your watchful and loving eye so that I can close my eyes in peace and get the rest I need right now. 

I love You and I trust You. Amen. 

A Helping Hand

Yesterday morning I was getting ready for a doctor appointment when the NICU called; Baby B needed emergency abdominal surgery ASAP.  Even though there literally was nothing I could do myself to save her I was pulling (maybe flying) out of my driveway before I got off the phone with the doctor.

I drove 90 miles an hour weaving in an out of traffic (it's a good thing my guardian angels can fly faster than I can drive).  Fortunately there were no cops out, not that I would have stopped for them anyway; they could have chased me all the way to the hospital for all I cared, nothing was going to slow me down or keep me from getting to my baby one second too late.  

That's right, nothing could slow me down...except a homeless man (no, I did not hit a homeless man if that is what you're thinking).  The light was green, all I needed to do was gun it and then the hospital would be in sight, but something tugged on my heart and I hit the brake instead of the accelerator.  I've driven past beggars on the side of the road more times than I care to admit without giving them a second thought, but this man grabbed my attention.  There he was standing out in below freezing weather and he needed help.  

In that moment we were two helpless souls, but helpless doesn't equal hopeless.  I may not have been able to actually do anything to help my baby, but I could still help him so I rolled down my window and handed him all of the money I had in my wallet.  "God bless you." He said as I handed him the money.  "And God bless you." I said to him...and then I gunned it through the light.

I got to the hospital just as the doctors and nurses were prepping my tiny little baby for surgery.  She looked so sickly.  I prayed over her and kissed her tiny little forehead.  The doctors, the nurses, and the chaplain all prayed for her and then she was taken into surgery.

I was sitting in the waiting room with my husband crying quietly on the outside but wailing and screaming on the inside. I didn't understand.  She was perfectly fine two days ago, looking around an smiling (sure, it was probably just gas, but she did smile!) and then all of a sudden she was so sick. 

Our Baby B smiling!

Necrotizing Entercolitis is a disease of the intestinal tract from the organs not being fully developed.  X-rays showed that a portion of her small intestine was likely dead and if they didn't operate now her intestines would essentially burst inside her body similar to an appendix rupturing.  

I knew God was with her. I knew He would get her through the surgery, but this voice in my head kept questioning things; like, at 3 lbs 9 oz she was so tiny and fragile, how could she possibly make it through this surgery?  Could she even survive if they had to remove her entire small intestine?  What would happen to our family if we lost our youngest member? What would we tell her brother and sisters? How could my life go on without all four of my babies here with me??

The day prior when I was sitting next to little Baby B praying the medicine would heal her I asked God to send His word to me. I randomly opened my bible and my eyes went straight to the words "and the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled and they cried out in fear...But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying 'Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid...O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"  When I read those words I knew He had it covered...But she didn't get better, in fact she got worse and so I doubted.  I was helpless and now borderline hopeless.  Something had to change.  I had to start thinking of something else, something more positive, something to help me focus on faith instead of fear.

I thought of that homeless man on the side of the highway.  Maybe it wasn't just a coincidence.  Maybe God was trying to tell me something...If He could send me to offer a helping hand to this person in need in the middle of my crisis, then surely He could send the right doctors and trained medical team to care for my precious little baby.  Surely He could hold her in His hand one more time.  Surely He could save her and heal her.  

Looking back He hadn't failed us. Not. Even. Once.  Not only did He give these tiny little blessings life, He kept them safe in His hand during the TTTS surgery, He kept them safe in His hand when they became mono-mono twins, He kept them safe in His hand when my water broke at 22 weeks, He kept them safe in His hand after my placenta abruption, He kept them safe in His hand during delivery just shy of 26 weeks gestation and He has kept them safe every day so far.  Maybe He really does have the whole world in His Hands.  "O you of little faith why did you doubt?"

Baby B pulled through the surgery beautifully.  The doctors were able to remove the portion of dead intestine although it will require additional surgery to reconnect the healthy ends.  It was quite alarming to see an incision from side to side and her insides on her outside, but the doctors and nurses have assured us that she is healing quickly and beautifully.  God really does have this covered!

Baby A, who was VERY well behaved during all of this nonsense. 

I don't know why I doubt sometimes, I don't know why I worry sometimes, I don't know why I'm afraid sometimes, but I do know that if I ask for help He hears me and He answers me.  If you struggle with doubt, too take heart, you're not the only one.  Clearly, if you read the scripture, we aren't the first either.  Yet He is patient with us and will help us when we ask.  So go on, ask.  He's listening. 

Matthew 14:26-33

And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear.  But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.  But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord save me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt me?" And when they got into the boat the wind ceased.  Then those who were in the boat came and worshipped Him, saying. "Truly You are the Son of God."

Inspirational Quote:

Where there is life there is hope in miracles. ~ My Mom :)

My prayer:

Thank you Jesus for hearing me and answering my desperate pleas with Your Helping Hand.  I promise I will work on doubting my doubt and trusting You every step.  Please forgive me for fumbling. Truly You are the Son of God! 

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to give even when everything else felt impossible.  Thank you for making the impossible not only possible, but bearable.  I ask that You place Your healing hand on Baby B as well as all of her siblings and breath Your life, Your strength and Your love into their hearts.  I love You and I trust you (for real this time).  Amen.