My New Set of Wheels

The five days we spent waiting in the hotel to learn if the laser surgery actually did save the lives of our babies was emotionally and physically challenging.  When life gives you lemons you have to make lemonade so my husband and I took full advantage of the time to snuggle up, rest, and reconnect.   It was so nice to just be with one another and comfort each other.  We also learned how to be bad-ass prisoners should we ever be faced with prison time thanks to Netflix (Dear God, just to be perfectly clear this is NOT a prayer request.  I would get cracked in half in prison in real-life. Thanks! Love, Me).

We missed our children dearly, but daily pictures from Grandma and their teachers helped bunches.  They really were so resilient and handled the separation so much better than I thought they would.  Grandma kept them VERY busy trick-or-treating all over town so come to think of it maybe they were just burying their feelings in sugary treats. :)

To help keep my spirits lifted we took a couple of excursions.  I couldn't walk so we had to limit our adventures to places where wheelchairs were available like the zoo, the botanical gardens and...wait for it....Target.

I really struggled with being confined to a wheelchair. I felt so judged, like people were looking at me and thinking to themselves, "Geez, what's her problem? She looks fine. Lazy much?" It felt like if they weren't judging me they were ignoring me, cutting us off or making us go around them instead of giving us space.  The nerve! And then there was the geriatric couple with the oxygen tank that literally snatched a wheelchair out of our hands.  Okay, so maybe they were before us on the wait list and they didn't claim it right away, but still!

...As you can see I let myself turn into a downright haughty little princess over this whole wheelchair thing.  I knew it didn't feel right to be so judgmental, but they started it, right? No, they didn't. To be perfectly honest, I think most of the judgements I felt were reflections of my own insecurities. One day I was completely independent and then overnight I lost virtually all freedom.  I was now on full-time modified bed rest (only short wheelchair excursions allowed) and the medication cocktail I was on to help Baby B's heart made it incredibly difficult to walk even short distances or bathe without losing consciousness (not to mention it could cause my hair and teeth to fall out. No joke.)  Even though there was no question in my mind about taking the medication the baby needed, and I knew plenty of well respected people who used wheelchairs, I just didn't quite know how to handle all of the sudden changes emotionally.

I should have asked God for help, but I didn't; it hadn't registered in my mind as MY problem, it was OTHER people's judgmental attitudes that was the problem. But you know what? He recognized my suffering and answered that unspoken prayer anyway.  He sent me someone - a complete stranger I will never see again in my life - to smile at me.  Yes, just to smile at me. I know that sounds silly and inconsequential, but I had formed a habit of casting my eyes downward whenever we approached anyone as a form of self-preservation.  I didn't feel comfortable in my new wheels, I didn't feel entirely clean, I just didn't feel worthy of smiling about anything. But this woman caught my eye and refused to let go.  She gave me the biggest most genuine smile that it was impossible not to smile back. It felt like she was thinking, "What a cute and happy couple!" Which we were! So I tried an experiment; I let myself actually look at people with kindness in my heart instead of predetermined resentment.  More times than not they either smiled back at me or were simply too busy living their lives to notice; they were not judging me so I shouldn't judge them.

It is so easy to let our troubles swallow us whole, especially when we mistakenly allow ourselves to think the world revolves around us (which I've been told more than once it does not).  In fact, I'm sharing this story (and this blog) not to highlight my strengths, but to show you I'm weak. And you know what? That's okay.  We all have weaknesses, but we also all have a choice in how we address our weaknesses.  Don't stick your head in the sand. Acknowledge them and pray about them; ask God for help! And if you forget, like I did, but someone offers help anyway, accept it graciously!

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

Inspirational Quote:

"Prayer is a confession of one's own unworthiness and weakness." ~Mahatma Gandhi 

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for Your grace.  Thank you for loving me despite my weaknesses.  Please help me recognize when I am headed down the wrong path and pull me back to You so I may spread Your light instead of negativity.  I know I have potential in You even if my mobility is confined so please send me to help others as You sent that lady to help me. Thank you. Amen.