Want to know what else is a night like no other? PPROM night. PPROM as in Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes. There was a gown involved - a very wet nightgown. The hair was...well teased from a night of tossing and turning. There certainly were jitters, although it felt more like seizing. And of course there was the terror and excitement that this could not possibly be happening! Not at 22 weeks! Yes, it was a night like no other.
The evening started off exactly how you would want the night before an emergency (my computer doesn't have a sarcastic font so you'll have to bear with me); I had no clean clothes so I asked my husband to do some laundry. He dutifully rounded up all of the laundry and towels and had both washers going shortly thereafter. Let me just say he normally does a fantastic job with laundry, but he's still a novice and wasn't well practiced in checking pockets...so in went his iPhone. Poor guy.
While he dealt with Apple I went to bed. With two growing babes in my belly I was VERY uncomfortable. It felt like my hips and round ligaments were at war with one another and I tossed and I turned most of the night. You may be thinking "Hello, if you were in that much pain why didn't you call the nurse line?" Well, I did the week before for the same thing and everything at the hospital checked out. (Sometimes pregnancy just flat out hurts.) A full bladder can only aggravate this kind of discomfort so at 4:35 AM I used the restroom. I laid back down rolled onto my side and...splash...at 4:40 the party got started.
I don't even know what words to use to describe how I felt; I was shocked, I was terrified, I was panicked, I was...soaked, I was scared out of my mind, I was shaking, I was in disbelief, I was...soaked. Did I mention all of our clothes and towels were in the washer?
Our doctor called back within minutes and told us to get to the hospital as soon as possible...but it was 4:40 AM and we had two sleeping children. He told us to wake them and bring them. I knew this was bad. I also knew I was borderline out of control of my emotions and I didn't want our kids to see me like this. So I called my family...who were doing what most people were doing at 4:40 AM and didn't hear the phone ring. Fortunately we have great neighbors with really loud ringtones!
The drive to the hospital was excruciatingly long (it's actually a short drive). My whole body was shaking and quivering uncontrollably. I felt like I was underwater drowning - I mean I WAS wet - and my body was thrashing about trying to get to the surface. I tried deep breathing but I just choked myself. I tried telling myself it was okay, but I knew that was a lie. I tried praying, but I could barely piece the words together. I was sinking and fast. Then I said to myself, "I trust Him." It helped a tiny bit, but hey, it helped! So I repeated it over and over and over again. It became my silent mental chant and a peaceful calm settled over me and I could breathe again. "I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him." I had no idea what was going to happen next, but He did so I had to trust Him; the lives of our two unborn babies were resting squarely in His hands.
At the hospital they confirmed that my water had broken. I wasn't experiencing any contractions, but if I did I would deliver the babies and they would offer compassionate care; at 22 weeks they were too early for steroids to help their lungs develop and possibly too small for their lifesaving equipment; any attempts to intervene medically would cause them unnecessary pain. I was heartbroken. I did not want my babies to suffer! I prayed over and over again while we waited hooked up to the machines. Then I realized I was also a child of God and He didn't want me to suffer unnecessarily and He certainly wouldn't waste my pain so why was I? Aside from my water breaking nothing else had actually happened. I wasn't in labor. The babies still had heartbeats. There was still hope in God!
Yes, we had entered the most difficult chapter of this pregnancy so far, but God had gotten us through so much already! I trusted Him. He had turned every mess we had experienced along the way into a message. Just being given the miracle of having twins not only gave us two more precious little blessings, but it opened up possibilities for our future which we never thought possible. That trip to Denver? Not only did He keep both babies alive, but He gave my husband and I time alone together to heal our marriage; time and circumstances we wouldn't have gotten at home with two kids. The TAPS and fluid scare? He gave us an opportunity to trust and to give to others no matter what the circumstances. The bed rest? He gave me an opportunity to call on my parents and have time alone with them, to get to know and appreciate them again (when else would I have time to watch football games with my dad? Side note, there are no "innings" in football; who knew?). The mono-mono transition? He gave me what I have been visualizing; little girls who are BFFs and love to snuggle up really close to one another. Plus now we are all in the same boat; one sac, one future. But guess what? Even if it feels like our boat is sinking and we're drowning, our lifeguard can walk on water...so what exactly is there to worry about? I trust Him.
I can say with certainty that, from my perspective, my future has never been more uncertain than it is now. But I can also say with confidence that it is okay. He knows. I don't need the play by play. I just need to pray and trust God to handle the how and when. I'm confident that good things are ahead because why else would the enemy (he who shall not be named) be working so hard to steal it from us? I'm confident, no matter what comes next, we will have the strength to endure it because God is bigger than anything and He strengthens me. I'm confident, no matter what comes next, there will be good. I'm confident He hears my prayers. I'm confident He loves us. I'm confident His plan is best for us.
If you find yourself in an impossibly bleak situation it is only because you haven't opened your eyes to the goodness in your situation. Look for the message in your mess. Be thankful for it! If you can't see it, ask God to show you; He will. Accept His plan for you and He will guide you; there isn't anything you can't do or endure without His grace, love and strength. But don't just take my word for it; take His!
Mark 11:22
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "Truly, I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins."Inspirational Quote:
"When you feel like you're drowning in life, don't worry - your lifeguard walks on water." ~ Anonymous
My Prayer:
Lord I need You. I need You now more than ever. Father, I love You and my love for You is unconditional; it won't go away. I will be devastated if we lose these babies, but I know You won't waste our pain and I know somehow some good will come out of all of this. I also know You can hear my prayers and I ask that You please, please, please save these babies. I ask this with a pure heart, but if you find any doubt when You look into my heart please transform it into renewed strength and faith. Please protect these girls and strengthen them. Lord Jesus, please breathe Your goodness and strength into their hearts. I surrender my will to You and my body to provide for these girls, as I would for any of my children. Please keep them in my womb as long as possible - 34 weeks would be great, but that is a mere suggestion :) - all I ask is that they are born alive, healthy, strong and stable. The how and the when I leave up to You and Your perfect timing. Please help them thrive not just survive; they have a very excited big brother and sister and a mom and a dad looking forward to welcoming them into our family.
Please also be with my husband and the two beautiful children we have at home. This transition is hard on them and I pray that You bring them peace, love and strength. They are so so so loved by You and by me. Send an army of angels to protect all of those lives that are dear to me while I wait patiently in the hospital.
Thank You for Your love. Thank You for Your grace. Thank You for Your perfect plan. I love You and I trust You. Amen.
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