Vanishing Act

We live in a day and age where information is always at our fingertips.  There is certainly something to be said for being well-informed, but sometimes we get more information than we need; more than is helpful.  Having twins was such a foreign concept to me that I wanted to get as much information as I could; it felt more like a need than a want at the time.  Most of what I found was negative information; not that the delivery of the information was negative, but rather most articles and sites focused on the risks of multiple births.  

One risk in particular grabbed me by the heart strings and robbed me of virtually all sanity - Vanishing Twin Syndrome; this is where one of the twins literally just vanishes sometime within the first 20 weeks.  I was positive this was going to happen to me.  I was so positive that one of my magic little beans had, in fact, disappeared that I called the emergency nurse line one night (like I said, my sanity was MIA) begging for another ultrasound just a week after our last one.  The Nurse Practitioner who called me back said, “That is a very odd thing to worry about. You know honey, rare things happen rarely.” But I had googled it, I knew it could happen. Which meant it could happen to me.  Besides, “rare” was such a subjective word, I was sure of it...So they reluctantly scheduled an appointment for a repeat ultrasound.  

Scheduling the ultrasound momentarily brought me some peace of mind, but then it occurred to me that one more ultrasound was not going to be enough; that creeping anxiety would be back as soon as they wiped the jelly off my stomach and short of daily (or better yet, hourly) ultrasounds I was not going to have any peace of mind by looking for it in all the wrong places; which made me really look inside myself.  

The real reason I was so anxious was because I was filled with so much doubt.  It was so surreal that it truly didn’t feel like it could possibly be real.  Like it was a mistake; like God made a mistake and as soon as He realized it He was going to snatch it away from me.  Just poof, one or both of the twins would vanish in the snap of a finger.  You see, in the year leading up to this I had made some poor choices that caused a lot of heartache and I felt like I should still be punished for these choices.  Or at the very least certainly not rewarded with such a miracle - or rather two miracles.

I realized that by demanding ultrasounds on the spot I was trying to strong arm the situation.  I was trusting only in my ability to control what I could not possibly control; not in God and certainly not in His plan for me.  This realization forced me to pause and re-evaluate my priorities.  I took one shaky step forward and hesitantly cancelled my impromptu appointment (the angels perched on my shoulders were still sparring up until the last second).  This was incredibly difficult but also incredibly relieving at the same time because it took the pressure of trying to control the universe (or at least my uterus) off of my shoulders.  It helped me appreciate and fully experience the joy having twins and I went from shaking like a leaf out of fear to bouncing up and down with joy.  I was simply overcome with gratitude, excitement and peace of mind; my doubt had vanished, not one of the babies!

If you struggle with fear or doubt, whether its rational or not, the following may help you as it helped me.

Matthew 8:26

And he said to them, "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?" Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

Inspirational quote:

"Our heavenly Father understands our disappointment, suffering, pain, fear, and doubt.  He is always there to encourage our hearts and help us understand that He's sufficient for all of our needs.  When I accepted this as an absolute truth in my life, I found that my worrying stopped." ~Charles Stanley

My Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

 Every day I tell you I love you and I trust you.  Thank you for helping me live these words and not just recite them.  Thank you for having a plan for me.  Thank you for giving me the courage and the strength to cast away the doubt from my heart so that I may live out your plan.  And, of course, thank you for blessing our family with our two beautiful children and these two tiny miracles!  I love you and I trust you.  Amen.