Just like Rapunzel I live in the top of a tower with one window and no stairs. Well, I've heard rumors that there are stairs and elevators, but I'm pretty sure those are just rumors. Just like Rapunzel I spend my days and nights trapped in this room. My prince is out there somewhere (working and taking care of our children), but he can't come climb my tower and not just because my hair isn't long enough, which it certainly is not....
Since my water broke I am increasingly at risk for infection. I've had elevated white blood cells and high pulse and unfortunately the blood test results don't come with a road map to the infected area. When there are three lives at stake we can't just guess and we have to be careful not to allow any exposure to new germs. So I just sit here in my tower and weave (baby blankets not an escape ladder). Unlike Rapunzel I'm trying to stay for as long as possible!
Modern day weaving. It takes skill. :)
Even though I can't have visitors I'm not alone. Far from it actually. I used to think when I prayed it was like sending an email to a heavenly inbox somewhere; an inbox that filled up quickly with all of the prayers being said every minute of every day. I would hit "send" with my "amen" and just wait for God to have time to get around to opening His mail. But I've found with an increased frequency of prayer, the distance of that heavenly inbox is much, much shorter than I had thought. God is with me all of the time! I know He tells us that in scripture but I had to experience it (okay maybe even more than once) to believe it was true.
You see I actually have had an uninvited visitor and the germs he brought were far more contagious and infectious than the conjunctivitis my kids are currently carrying; the enemy sneaks in bringing doubt, worry and hopelessness with every slightly unsatisfactory test result and gush of leaking amniotic fluid. This unwelcome visitor whispered things in my ear like "What are you doing? Your sick husband and kids at home need you right now and you're not there to take care of them. Plus, it doesn't look like you're doing a very good job of taking care of these two either; you can't even stop leaking fluid. How are their lungs ever going to develop? Fail."
The saying that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is such a lie; toxic words can hurt you and very deeply....but only if you listen to them. One morning in particular, after considerable leaking and cramping I let myself listen and it nearly broke me. I prayed to God asking for help, sending off that email with my "amen" and then I turned on my phone and there was a message waiting for me; it said:
"Haven't I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9I blinked. He got my email! Then I thought, "Of course He did, silly! He just told you He is with you wherever you go." There is no far away heavenly inbox; He is with you and He hears your prayers as they leave your lips. He knows what you need and He gives you what you need in His perfect time. I was trapped in fear in that tower so He threw a rope for me to pull myself out. He commanded me to be strong and courageous!
I am NOT the daughter of an evil enchantress living in an isolated tower like Rapunzel; I AM a child of God living in a protected fortress where fear, doubt and hopelessness can not penetrate the walls! So, no, even though I'm not surrounded by family and friends, I'm not alone. I am loved and protected and right where I need to be for the moment.
The morning after I drafted this post my strength and courage were tested again. I woke up to a flash flood of leaking amniotic fluid, likely the largest amount lost thus far. I said to myself, "I live in a fortress where fear and worry cannot reach me." And it didn't. The nurse and I just cleaned up the mess and I went back to sleep, peacefully protected. Shortly thereafter a doctor woke me up informing me that a recent test indicated signs of possible gestational diabetes. Did I worry? As Pete the Cat says, "Goodness No!" I stayed calm as a cucumber; the walls of this fortress really are powerful and strong if you seek protection with an honest and loving heart.
The truth is I have nothing to worry about, but everything to be grateful for; this entire experience has changed me. I used to think I was caught in a storm, I'm not, this is just a growth spurt (seriously, you should see my growing belly!), a spiritual growth spurt. I'm not the same person I was when I entered this pregnancy, but I am becoming the person God intended me to be. I'm still a work in progress, but I trust my Creator to guide me gently through these growing pains.
If you ever hear those whispers of negativity and despair in your ear don't listen! God speaks to us through our hearts (and iPhones). Yes, sometimes He whispers, but that is only because He wants you to get closer to Him so you can hear Him more clearly.
Psalm 91:1-2
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'"Inspirational Quote:
"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." ~Bernadette Devlin
My Prayer:
Lord, I offer You the first affections of my heart. Thank you for demonstrating Your love for me, today and everyday, by protecting me from the darkness that threatens to steal the joy Your Grace has given to our family. I am honored that you chose us for this miracle of twins and I am honored you chose us for this walk in faith with You. I pray that You give us all - my husband, my children, and all of those who love and care for us - the strength to endure this and come out of this victorious (again, a February birthdate would be awesome, but totally your call).
You have changed me Father, but perhaps that has been the plan all along. I am not alone in this and I am not weak. Thank You for speaking so directly to me when I strayed and thank You for welcoming me back and offering Your protection when I turned away from the temptation of fear and self pity.
Even still, the lives of these babies and the future of this family of six rest solely in Your hands, but I trust You. When I was born early and near death You chose to save me, for which I am incredibly grateful, but Father, admittedly I have not yet reached my full potential; please guide my heart so I can serve You and my family more fully....and please save my babies as you saved me.
Please save these little girls so that we may have the privilege of raising four children to know You, love You and serve You as shining lights in the darkness. Please honor us with the opportunity to turn Your gift of life for our family into our gift of light in Your family of fellow St. Louisans who are hurting and need Your love and Your light. Thank you, Amen (aka "send").
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